The "C" word.

So loosely has this term been used in recent years. I'm one of the very few (in my opinion) people who seriously oppose the usage of this word. There have been a select few woman I've encountered that deserve to be called this and yet so many, particularly men, use this word like it's no big deal. Tonight for example I took off and went home because a guy that I was out with would not acknowledge that the word not only offended me but bothered me severely. That's when another guy yelled the word without even knowing what was going on. Side note: I was not the only girl within ear shot of what was going on.
I chose to take off and go which to the group most likely seemed over dramatic but to me was talking a stand Seriously? I said I was offended and I seriously didn't appreciate the use of the word and it didn't matter. Ok, that's fine but I'm not going to stick around and listen to that kind of language. I reacted and hit the guy who then continued to threaten me saying don't ever do that again blah blah blah in "macho man" kind of way. Ha ha ha. Dude you don't scare me. Not to make it sound like "oh yeah I'm a badass" kind of attitude but I'm sorry...he wasn't going to hit me in any way shape or form especially in front of all those people.
I guess my point of this particular entry is to raise some sort of awareness to the blind usage of the word. It is an extremely derogatory term towards woman and its disgusting when people use it , especially women. Shame on you. Times present itself when that certain girl comes around but those are honestly few and far between. Opened my eyes tonight though, definitely made me realize that I'm ready to start growing up and not hanging out with such immature individuals. One of the guys that used the word was my crush...key word WAS. I can't even allow the attraction to happen. It was so loosely used and like it was no big deal. Call me over dramatic and making something a problem but I have yet to stick up for my morals and beliefs on a consistent basis and that's not right. Time to continue this path of strength I've been on.
"Do not go where the path may lead. Go instead where there is no path and leave a trail."
-Ralph Waldo Emerson

still pissed.

Why do guys have to be such jerks? Or are girls, myself in particular, just that stupid? I'm going to say it's both. Yes, I'm an idiot for falling for a guy and letting him in so far before actually getting to know this person. BUT in my defense, he knew how I felt and I definitely showed it by going above and beyond for him. He hurt me so badly and I'm recovering from it but it's because I know that I have no choice. He's going overseas. Besides that, he's an asshole. It is yet again another instance where guys do what they have to do to get a girl to sleep with them, etc. I cannot help but discredit my intuition a little bit. I had such a strong feeling and felt so differently than I ever have before in my life. I thought that there was something to come of him and I. He brought such a smile to my face and I trusted him with no hesitation, something I have not really been able to do for the past four years. I felt such a connection with him and we had so much in common. What does the prick do? Ignores me and continues whatever you want to call it with his ex girlfriend...there is a reason she is your ex right? Go ahead and go back to what is familiar and miss out on something new and exciting. Something you will never know what it could have been because it was never given the chance and that is ok. I'm not going to pine over some average Joe when he doesn't want anything to do with me. I'm better than that and I deserve much better than that.

bummer.

i can't sleep so what else would i do except write about what is bothering me. why can't anything ever be easy? why can it not work out in my favor? seriously. of course the boy i'm interested in and just had the best sex  i've had in a long time has to be leaving for afghanistan soon. very soon actually. i thought he had a few months but it turns out that he actually has only a few weeks unless his going away party is way before he's actually leaving which i highly doubt. i'm really bummed out which really blows because i'm starting to actually like this guy but nothing can happen in that short of a period of time. even if it could, it would be insane to start up something with a man who will not be around for awhile. i had so much fun and he's a really awesome guy (or so he seems). for some reason he has this "trance" on me...couldn't think of something better...and i'm infatuated. he was such a darling to me but was it real? is that just how he treats girls? does he just randomly hook up and sweep girls off their feet? so many questions! it just sucks so bad because now i really know that it can't be :'( i'm willing to sacrifice time apart for someone i've gotten to know but someone that i've only hung out with a few times it's really hard to even aim for that. i want to be bluntly honest with him since he's leaving but i would hate to put that kind of pressure on him before he leaves for stress 24/7 in the middle east. that wouldn't be far to him to make him feel bad. i just have no idea what he thinks about me and if i'm even a blip on his radar. i could be over analyzing the shit out of the situation. i just want to kiss him one more time. i want him to hold me one more time. he made me feel better than i have from a man in a long long time. i thought that about others but he's different. i can't help but smile when his name comes to mind. i have to actual urge to shed tears thinking about this whole fucked up situation. i hope that he isn't going to be there for long but the thinking part of me knows better. it's going to be for some time and all i want to do it see him one last time before he leaves. i guess now i know what i'm getting into but at the same time, i know better. i know that i need to just nip this in the bud and cut my losses. i know there are plenty of fish in the sea but it's hard when you have your eye on one fish that has a special touch. i told him that i wanted to hang out and he said for sure so i guess we'll see how serious that my knight in shining armor was about that or if he's just being a typical guy and going to avoid me or w/e. ugh. sucks so bad :(

the little crush that could.

so funny story. the best friend of one of my hook ups may just be the new interest in my life. whoops. i started to crunch on him when he carried my drunk ass three quarters of a mile. but never thought i would really see him again because of the huge ass i made of myself that night. like really? why would you want to talk to me after that. i wouldn't if the roles were reversed lol but we ended up in bed together and it was one of the best nights i've had in a really long time. he was a super sweet guy to me all night. he held me really close and normally i'm weird about that but for some reason it made me so happy and he also rubbed my back. he is not my typical guy but yet again i don't even know who is anymore. he was covered in hair everywhere but his head but i don't care. his chest hairs actually turned me on. it was weird hooking up with him in his friends room in his friends bed (don't want to use names) haha whatever. i am worried about that however. is it weird that i was hooking up with one but now want something with the other? and actually like him better. then the questions start pouring out. is he just being nice? or does he actually want to hang out with me? is he really going to get a hold of me when he gets back into town? i mean honestly i wouldn't blame him if he didn't. i fucked his best friend, i had to be rescued when i was a hot fucking mess, and the other night i was trying to eat mac n cheese while balancing my water on my knee...are you fucking with me? lol like seriously who does that? of course it fell and broke everywhere...and the sweetheart that he is cleaned in up and was like no sit back down you're going to hurt yourself. this is the same friend who proposed to me when we were all out drinking one night but of course i was obsessed the other guy. but i never realized that every time i was with the first one i always hit it off with the other guy and chit chatted for most of the night. oh my god. he's only seen my fucked up for the most part. oh my gosh that is so embarrassing. haha i guess call me maybe? now i won't be so disappointed if i don't hear from him because honestly i probably seem like a crazy.

letting go...

...is a lot harder when the shoe is on the other foot. I have no trouble giving advice, telling my sister to ditch her loser boyfriend of almost two years or telling my roommate that the mr. wonderful she's seeing is mr. wandering eye not to mention a total piece of shit. Then there is me. I've "dated" here and there since my ex boyfriend and I broke up two years ago. There has been one guy in particular, we'll call him Joe, who has been a presence in my life for some time. We met when I was still in a relationship with another guy. Then we broke up and I always knew Joe had a thing for me and I maybe did maybe didn't have a crush on him but I was so into my newly single ways I could not even imagine dating anyone. Then I moved toward a possible something but he started dating someone else which made me kind of jealous. Too little too late. I look back sometimes and think what if...but then I remember that I wanted to be single for a reason. I needed to become my own person and not be dependent on someone else for my happiness and honestly I'm glad that I did. Whatever is meant to be will be. I do, however, feel like one of those pathetic girls who make up excuses because of a guy. If any one of my friends came to me with this problem I would tell them that they are crazy and need to get over this guy. I want to I really do but I just can't. I keep holding onto the possibility that something someday will happen for us. He is supposedly breaking up with his girlfriend but I've yet to see it happen. Something does have to happen soon though since their lease is up. It will be interesting to see how this all plays out. Our mutual friends whom I met Joe through, Molly and Mark, have a bet going. Molly, a girl I met three years ago in Geology, thinks that he will go through with it but her boyfriend Mark does not. Ugh, I hate this. I am not this needy, pathetic girl who just pines over a guy. I deserve a MAN who will have me as his first choice. Not date someone he doesn't even like because he's too afraid to break up with her. I tell myself that things would be different with him and I. He likes me more than that. Blah. Blah. Blah. But would they really be? I like to think that and part of me believes that which I don't know if it's hopeful or delusional or maybe something in between. Even if they do break up, is he going to want to be with me anyways? I'm not going to jump right into anything until I know that he is not going to act like he does with his current girlfriend. My biggest mistake with this whole Joe situation is categorizing him as my perfect on paper guy. He's Catholic which is a big deal to me in and of itself not to mention he's a Republican, loves football and the Lions, tall, light hair, blue eyes. He rides dirt bikes and has the appearance of a man. I feel like my dad would get along so well with him. But good on paper...does it work out? I wish we weren't so compatible sometimes because the few times that I do see him around, we laugh and get along so well. Maybe I'm obsessing too because I haven't had a serious guy in my life for awhile. I've gone out with but all those end up being are sexual relationships. I want more and I feel like I could be happy with him. I need to get out of my head about it and let life fall into place. What is meant to be will be. If it doesn't work out with the two of us then that's ok. I have to be optimistic...the other way is just so depressing. Not to mention I'm trying to get rid of the bad energy and attitudes in my life so I can focus on living a happier one.

STRESS.

i hate it. stress is the devil in my life. and the thing that really sucks is that i can't handle it...ever. those people who are good in stressful situations and can handle it...i envy them. i instantly want to cry and crawl into a dark hole aka my room. especially when it is something that i didn't do wrong. the state of michigan and i do not have a great relationship right now. i had to resend in my tax check because they are so retarded and couldn't take care of it the first time i sent it in. i will admit it is my fault that i didn't stop payment on the original one but it slipped my mind. one would think that THE STATE OF MICHIGAN would be able to see that i already paid my fucking taxes and not cash the check i sent in months ago...i even included a note like i was told to do in the envelope containing my second payment. i want to fucking blow a gasket right now and there is nothing i can really do to calm myself down except write. i've been on hold for almost 20 minutes. obviously this is going to get taken care of and they are not going to keep my money but i'm trying to buy a house and overdrafting by almost $700 is NOT a sign of responsibility. it's fucked up and all i want to do is yell at someone which i'm sure i will but it's not that person's fault so i'll feel bad afterwards. and i have to work in two hours. i need to get in the shower and get ready but i need to get this taken care of first before i have anymore overdraft fees. then i'm going to have to fucking call the bank and wait AGAIN on the phone which is my least favorite thing to do...probably due to my impatience. i want to barf right now. and i'm losing my fucking mind. i never swear this much in a post but this is the only way for me to truly show how angry i am right now. you would think they would have their act together. oh wait, it's the fucking government and they are greedy shit heads that live to fuck my day up. work is going to be hell because now i'm in a shitty ass mood and i'm going to be rushed getting ready therefore feeling rushed all evening. i want to scream.

homeownership.

Since now is the time to buy a house, or so everyone and there brother talks about, my sister and I are looking into becoming apart of the world of homeowners. It freaks me out because I'm really not sure how permanent my residence is going to be here in Grand Rapids. There are so many things that go into buying a house, and I've just gotten rid of the stress of school and picking up a new one. I'm really freaking out. It could be because I'm hormonal right now but this is all making my head spin. I think part of it is because of all the help that I'm going to have to receive from my mother. I'm very lucky that I have parents who are so willing to do whatever they can to help me out in any way possible...at the same time, I feel bad asking for help and borrowing that much money. I almost want to put it off for around six months, have some time to be able to get my finances in order then save some money for a down payment and perhaps new things for the house. It's very exciting because it would be something that is ours but this would be a huge responsibility. The monthly mortgage would be around $700 a month which is doable with my sis and I but more than we are used to spending because we are now going to have to worry about taxes and bills...more scary stuff! Plus, I'm so used to the amazing house that I grew up in, my mother's dream house basically and nothing else really compares to that...in our price range anyways. I want so many things but with how young I am and not being in my career quite yet, a dream house is not possible. I am balls deep in credit card debt and it's going to be a hot minute before I am able to pick myself out of it. Dammit! As I've discussed my debt issues with others I feel better. I was talking with a co worker and she laughed when I said that I was embarrassed...she was like really? Like that's the worse thing that you could have right now and let me tell you we've all been there! I guess only the future will tell.

starting anew?

So, now that I am officially done with school, it is like a shift has occurred in my life. I no longer feel like laying in bed all day long and only getting out when I absolutely had to. I have quit smoking cigarettes...going on six days and I don't even have to urge to have one. I haven't bought a bag of pot in over two weeks which has not happened since I tried quitting earlier this year. My alcohol consumption is still as it always is but baby steps. Can't cut all my bad habits out all at once or I probably wouldn't have anything to write about...anything interesting anyway. I am however replacing bad habits with good ones starting tomorrow and I couldn't be more excited about it. Or motivated for that matter. It is so crazy because this is the first time that I've felt that I can do it and succeed. I want to lose 15lbs. As previously mentioned, I never wanted to get out of bed therefore the munchies I had with a combination of the comfort food had no where to go but my ass. And there it set up camp...along with its BFF cellulite. Gross. Now, I'm 5'2 and 135lbs. My weight has been fluctuating for the past few years but I'm ready to focus on maintaining this healthy lifestyle. The only thing that is going to get in the way that I can see right now is my partying because Lord knows I like to party...and I'm good at it.
Anyways enough rambling. My point is that I have just ended this chapter of my life, the past five years, and I'm really not sure what's in store for the future. After graduating from high school I knew I was going onto college. Now that I'm done with college, I have no idea what is going to happen next. I mean obviously I'm going to start a career and hopefully one where I can write but other than that I don't know. Before I knew I was going to Grand Valley and moving to the west side of Michigan. Now? I'm here in Grand Rapids but it's not permanent. So crazy! But for now before I start my professional career, I want to have a little bit of fun. A fun loving free spirited summer romance? I've always wanted to do that. I'm not looking for any of that right now though. I'm way too happy with where my life is headed right now to throw a boy into the mix to throw off my groove.
My week is going to be crazy since I'm working 9 shifts but I hope to be able to keep this diet in check and stick with it. I'm hoping I can drop the weight by the time fourth of july comes around. wish me luck!

assholes.

I'm not sure if it's the recent "moods" that have consumed my life, but I've become increasing more cynical about guys. Let's take my roommate for example (all names have been changed to protect the innocent). Carly has been talking to this guy Nate since September-ish. He is a real piece of...I guess I'll say work for the sake of not stirring up anything in my first blog. He lies. He cheats. He ignores her. She actually walked into his room to him in his boxers and his ex-girlfriend laying on his bed. Now, the story has changed since I originally heard it but I'm pretty sure that I was told she was in her unmentionables too. Seriously? Umm, get out while you still have a chance. Like a smart girl, she let some explicits fly and left. His excuse? Nothing happened, we were just hanging out. I like you. He's not even that cute. I mean, don't get me wrong, he is a fine piece of man, well, I guess before he cut his hair, now he just looks like a typical, slightly overweight frat guy. He's short, too. I'm not one to talk about height but let's be honest, tall guys (mostly) are sexier than shorter guys although there are exceptions to every rule. Anyways, they went on hiatus for about a month then he appeared back in her life which I think is in part my fault. I was drunk and lonely after the bar and called Nate's womanizing roommate Brandon. Not nearly my proudest moment but he knew how to work it. What that has to do with Carly is that Nate appeared around for this week and a half infatuation that I was involved in with Brandon. We didn't last (which it was never meant to) but Carly and Nate somewhat have...ick. He is an asshole.
There is also my Hispanic ex-boyfriend Julio. Word of advice: NEVER shit where you eat. I'm dealing with the aftermath and have been since we broke up in 2010. Unfortunately we work together so I can't just avoid and ignore him like I would prefer. A few months after we broke up, I was hanging out with this guy Matt from work. Nothing serious, no dates, just friendly hanging out. We got drunk one night but nothing happened. Well, Julio freaked out on me at work asking what was up and went behind my back and called my best friend Carrie whom he loathes and my sister Janie. Fast forward to this past fall and he's dating someone we work with...who told him that I was being mean to her...are you kidding me? What the f**k ever. So, tonight they were all over each other. I hate working with them. Maybe I'm being a child and it does bother me that it affects me this much, but when it's shoved in my face, I want to punch them in their vaginas. He is an asshole.
Like I said, I'm not sure if it's been my crappy mood recently but I've been so cynical about men. I'm not sure if it's because of the experiences that I have experienced recently or just being a bitchy woman who can't make up her mind about what she wants but I miss being optimistic and believing there are still "Prince Charming's." Did they all already find their Cinderella's?