time for change.

I always bitch about men being assholes. And about a year and a half ago I realized, oh so harshly, that perhaps I haven't met a gentleman because I haven't been a lady. When you act like the girls in rap videos those are the pigs you will attract. As I sip my coffee and text on my phone I wonder what my deal is. All the complaining and bitching isn't necessary. I have all the tools to change my life and head in a more positive direction but I keep going back to the same old bad habits-sleeping with inappropriate men, smoking weed all day long, and living off take out in my bedroom. Why am I not out?! Not even necessarily at the bar but the gym, a coffee shop...somewhere other than on my ass sulking about my life. I am so fortunate with everything I have at my disposal. I have the worlds most amazing parents especially my mother. She is my rock. My sister is always there for me even if she is a little too critical of me and doesn't cut me any slack. And my little brother is a turd but has a heart of gold. I forget how lucky I am sometimes. Single women always see everything worse than it is...why is that? Because we don't have a man? How sad. I mean don't get me wrong, men are just fabulous they can just turn life upside down...sometimes in a good way but mostly not until you get to a certain age and they have started to grow up a little. This will never happen fully as I've seen my dad act like my mothers oldest child since I can remember but I wouldn't have that any other way. Now, with all the great things happening in my life right now (finishing up mine and my sisters home which we own) missing Christopher has increased ten fold. I got to a point where I missed him and still thought about him a lot but it was getting better. Then out of no where he liked my picture on Facebook. I know how insane that sounds but that means he was thinking about me, even if only for a moment. It's not like we were friends. Idk I know I sound insane but I can't help but fall back into old habits and question yet again if our story isn't quite over yet? Love story romantic or crazy girl pathetic? Who knows. I'm just nervous for the day that I see him again.

overthinkers anonymous.

not really anonymous but goes with the joke. or whatever you want to call it. i'm going into neurotic, anxious mode. i can't really talk to anyone about it because when i describe it and actually say it out loud it sounds absolutely ridiculous...yet i am obsessing over this. Christopher-the man who I fell head over heels for without knowing him very well, something very out of character for me- "liked" my new profile picture of my sister and i. see, i am crazy. and neurotic. but this is CONSUMING my ever thought and if i don't write about it and get it off my chest i'm going to obsess about it and make my self super sad. oh and valentine's day would be tomorrow. just saying. sucks being alone anyways but thinking about a guy who most likely thinks i'm crazy and has no idea the hard time i've had trying to forget him. i've never had these sorts of feelings for anyone in my entire life...even jose who was the first person that i actually loved. i'm not going to say that i was in love with Christopher but he did sneak into my heart. i don't know him well enough to make that call but i know these feeling for him are strong and the stuff of great romances. i want to move on. i want to meet someone else. i can't. i haven't dated or really even tried to pursue anyone since him. the beginning of july. 7 months and some odd days. i mean i had a crush on tyler at jordan's work but that really didn't last long and i wouldn't date him. i never thought that i would ever feel this way about someone when i didn't even really know him. i mean we hung out a few times...mostly when i was sleeping with his best friend :/ but we clicked and got along so well. what the hell went wrong from the night of his going away party to the morning when i had to leave. we were kissing and flirting in the short moments we had at the end of the night then in the morning he turned his cheek to me when i tried to kiss him. did pat sharrard say something to him? did his mom not like me? (not possible, i was a peach). was he worried about not hurting me in the long run? why why didn't i say anything about it that night!? i can go on and on. why did he reassure me that he'd be back when i got sad? he knew how i felt!! be a man and say you don't feel that way. don't invite me to your damn family going away party, witness me stay there all day when i knew practically nobody and couldn't hang out with you much because of all the people there to see you!! ugh i'm so sad. and bummed. and curioius. he left without saying anything. i understand he was in an impossible situation but then coming to grand rapids...not telling me...then going out to dinner with the crazy ex girlfriend who thought he was "mean." i think deep down i knew. he was texting her all day at that party. justin cranick was talking about him and her. he has no idea what he missed out on. i may  have moved on already if it weren't for me knowing that he will be back in the grand rapids area and i most likely will see him again seeing as he and david rieves are talking about getting a house together when they get back. david is a weirdo but he's still my friend and i'd be a total asshole if i didn't hang out with him when he got back. then i have DELUSIONAL thoughts of maybe our love story isn't over blah blah blah. even if he wanted to date, have sex what have you i know it would be a bad idea. but then i say hey maybe it wouldn't be just make him prove it to you. but that's the kind of thinking that's just going to upset me when he does come back. i'm stronger than that...and i deserve better. but then my crazy girl brain says "well maybe he ignored you to make it easier for me to deal with him being gone." absolute craziness. this is just a tiny bit of what has been going through my mind for roughly the past 2.5 hours. i have lost my mind. and it just proves that girls like when guys treat them like shit...it just makes us want you assholes even more -_-