bummer.

i can't sleep so what else would i do except write about what is bothering me. why can't anything ever be easy? why can it not work out in my favor? seriously. of course the boy i'm interested in and just had the best sex  i've had in a long time has to be leaving for afghanistan soon. very soon actually. i thought he had a few months but it turns out that he actually has only a few weeks unless his going away party is way before he's actually leaving which i highly doubt. i'm really bummed out which really blows because i'm starting to actually like this guy but nothing can happen in that short of a period of time. even if it could, it would be insane to start up something with a man who will not be around for awhile. i had so much fun and he's a really awesome guy (or so he seems). for some reason he has this "trance" on me...couldn't think of something better...and i'm infatuated. he was such a darling to me but was it real? is that just how he treats girls? does he just randomly hook up and sweep girls off their feet? so many questions! it just sucks so bad because now i really know that it can't be :'( i'm willing to sacrifice time apart for someone i've gotten to know but someone that i've only hung out with a few times it's really hard to even aim for that. i want to be bluntly honest with him since he's leaving but i would hate to put that kind of pressure on him before he leaves for stress 24/7 in the middle east. that wouldn't be far to him to make him feel bad. i just have no idea what he thinks about me and if i'm even a blip on his radar. i could be over analyzing the shit out of the situation. i just want to kiss him one more time. i want him to hold me one more time. he made me feel better than i have from a man in a long long time. i thought that about others but he's different. i can't help but smile when his name comes to mind. i have to actual urge to shed tears thinking about this whole fucked up situation. i hope that he isn't going to be there for long but the thinking part of me knows better. it's going to be for some time and all i want to do it see him one last time before he leaves. i guess now i know what i'm getting into but at the same time, i know better. i know that i need to just nip this in the bud and cut my losses. i know there are plenty of fish in the sea but it's hard when you have your eye on one fish that has a special touch. i told him that i wanted to hang out and he said for sure so i guess we'll see how serious that my knight in shining armor was about that or if he's just being a typical guy and going to avoid me or w/e. ugh. sucks so bad :(

the little crush that could.

so funny story. the best friend of one of my hook ups may just be the new interest in my life. whoops. i started to crunch on him when he carried my drunk ass three quarters of a mile. but never thought i would really see him again because of the huge ass i made of myself that night. like really? why would you want to talk to me after that. i wouldn't if the roles were reversed lol but we ended up in bed together and it was one of the best nights i've had in a really long time. he was a super sweet guy to me all night. he held me really close and normally i'm weird about that but for some reason it made me so happy and he also rubbed my back. he is not my typical guy but yet again i don't even know who is anymore. he was covered in hair everywhere but his head but i don't care. his chest hairs actually turned me on. it was weird hooking up with him in his friends room in his friends bed (don't want to use names) haha whatever. i am worried about that however. is it weird that i was hooking up with one but now want something with the other? and actually like him better. then the questions start pouring out. is he just being nice? or does he actually want to hang out with me? is he really going to get a hold of me when he gets back into town? i mean honestly i wouldn't blame him if he didn't. i fucked his best friend, i had to be rescued when i was a hot fucking mess, and the other night i was trying to eat mac n cheese while balancing my water on my knee...are you fucking with me? lol like seriously who does that? of course it fell and broke everywhere...and the sweetheart that he is cleaned in up and was like no sit back down you're going to hurt yourself. this is the same friend who proposed to me when we were all out drinking one night but of course i was obsessed the other guy. but i never realized that every time i was with the first one i always hit it off with the other guy and chit chatted for most of the night. oh my god. he's only seen my fucked up for the most part. oh my gosh that is so embarrassing. haha i guess call me maybe? now i won't be so disappointed if i don't hear from him because honestly i probably seem like a crazy.

letting go...

...is a lot harder when the shoe is on the other foot. I have no trouble giving advice, telling my sister to ditch her loser boyfriend of almost two years or telling my roommate that the mr. wonderful she's seeing is mr. wandering eye not to mention a total piece of shit. Then there is me. I've "dated" here and there since my ex boyfriend and I broke up two years ago. There has been one guy in particular, we'll call him Joe, who has been a presence in my life for some time. We met when I was still in a relationship with another guy. Then we broke up and I always knew Joe had a thing for me and I maybe did maybe didn't have a crush on him but I was so into my newly single ways I could not even imagine dating anyone. Then I moved toward a possible something but he started dating someone else which made me kind of jealous. Too little too late. I look back sometimes and think what if...but then I remember that I wanted to be single for a reason. I needed to become my own person and not be dependent on someone else for my happiness and honestly I'm glad that I did. Whatever is meant to be will be. I do, however, feel like one of those pathetic girls who make up excuses because of a guy. If any one of my friends came to me with this problem I would tell them that they are crazy and need to get over this guy. I want to I really do but I just can't. I keep holding onto the possibility that something someday will happen for us. He is supposedly breaking up with his girlfriend but I've yet to see it happen. Something does have to happen soon though since their lease is up. It will be interesting to see how this all plays out. Our mutual friends whom I met Joe through, Molly and Mark, have a bet going. Molly, a girl I met three years ago in Geology, thinks that he will go through with it but her boyfriend Mark does not. Ugh, I hate this. I am not this needy, pathetic girl who just pines over a guy. I deserve a MAN who will have me as his first choice. Not date someone he doesn't even like because he's too afraid to break up with her. I tell myself that things would be different with him and I. He likes me more than that. Blah. Blah. Blah. But would they really be? I like to think that and part of me believes that which I don't know if it's hopeful or delusional or maybe something in between. Even if they do break up, is he going to want to be with me anyways? I'm not going to jump right into anything until I know that he is not going to act like he does with his current girlfriend. My biggest mistake with this whole Joe situation is categorizing him as my perfect on paper guy. He's Catholic which is a big deal to me in and of itself not to mention he's a Republican, loves football and the Lions, tall, light hair, blue eyes. He rides dirt bikes and has the appearance of a man. I feel like my dad would get along so well with him. But good on paper...does it work out? I wish we weren't so compatible sometimes because the few times that I do see him around, we laugh and get along so well. Maybe I'm obsessing too because I haven't had a serious guy in my life for awhile. I've gone out with but all those end up being are sexual relationships. I want more and I feel like I could be happy with him. I need to get out of my head about it and let life fall into place. What is meant to be will be. If it doesn't work out with the two of us then that's ok. I have to be optimistic...the other way is just so depressing. Not to mention I'm trying to get rid of the bad energy and attitudes in my life so I can focus on living a happier one.

STRESS.

i hate it. stress is the devil in my life. and the thing that really sucks is that i can't handle it...ever. those people who are good in stressful situations and can handle it...i envy them. i instantly want to cry and crawl into a dark hole aka my room. especially when it is something that i didn't do wrong. the state of michigan and i do not have a great relationship right now. i had to resend in my tax check because they are so retarded and couldn't take care of it the first time i sent it in. i will admit it is my fault that i didn't stop payment on the original one but it slipped my mind. one would think that THE STATE OF MICHIGAN would be able to see that i already paid my fucking taxes and not cash the check i sent in months ago...i even included a note like i was told to do in the envelope containing my second payment. i want to fucking blow a gasket right now and there is nothing i can really do to calm myself down except write. i've been on hold for almost 20 minutes. obviously this is going to get taken care of and they are not going to keep my money but i'm trying to buy a house and overdrafting by almost $700 is NOT a sign of responsibility. it's fucked up and all i want to do is yell at someone which i'm sure i will but it's not that person's fault so i'll feel bad afterwards. and i have to work in two hours. i need to get in the shower and get ready but i need to get this taken care of first before i have anymore overdraft fees. then i'm going to have to fucking call the bank and wait AGAIN on the phone which is my least favorite thing to do...probably due to my impatience. i want to barf right now. and i'm losing my fucking mind. i never swear this much in a post but this is the only way for me to truly show how angry i am right now. you would think they would have their act together. oh wait, it's the fucking government and they are greedy shit heads that live to fuck my day up. work is going to be hell because now i'm in a shitty ass mood and i'm going to be rushed getting ready therefore feeling rushed all evening. i want to scream.