letting go...

...is a lot harder when the shoe is on the other foot. I have no trouble giving advice, telling my sister to ditch her loser boyfriend of almost two years or telling my roommate that the mr. wonderful she's seeing is mr. wandering eye not to mention a total piece of shit. Then there is me. I've "dated" here and there since my ex boyfriend and I broke up two years ago. There has been one guy in particular, we'll call him Joe, who has been a presence in my life for some time. We met when I was still in a relationship with another guy. Then we broke up and I always knew Joe had a thing for me and I maybe did maybe didn't have a crush on him but I was so into my newly single ways I could not even imagine dating anyone. Then I moved toward a possible something but he started dating someone else which made me kind of jealous. Too little too late. I look back sometimes and think what if...but then I remember that I wanted to be single for a reason. I needed to become my own person and not be dependent on someone else for my happiness and honestly I'm glad that I did. Whatever is meant to be will be. I do, however, feel like one of those pathetic girls who make up excuses because of a guy. If any one of my friends came to me with this problem I would tell them that they are crazy and need to get over this guy. I want to I really do but I just can't. I keep holding onto the possibility that something someday will happen for us. He is supposedly breaking up with his girlfriend but I've yet to see it happen. Something does have to happen soon though since their lease is up. It will be interesting to see how this all plays out. Our mutual friends whom I met Joe through, Molly and Mark, have a bet going. Molly, a girl I met three years ago in Geology, thinks that he will go through with it but her boyfriend Mark does not. Ugh, I hate this. I am not this needy, pathetic girl who just pines over a guy. I deserve a MAN who will have me as his first choice. Not date someone he doesn't even like because he's too afraid to break up with her. I tell myself that things would be different with him and I. He likes me more than that. Blah. Blah. Blah. But would they really be? I like to think that and part of me believes that which I don't know if it's hopeful or delusional or maybe something in between. Even if they do break up, is he going to want to be with me anyways? I'm not going to jump right into anything until I know that he is not going to act like he does with his current girlfriend. My biggest mistake with this whole Joe situation is categorizing him as my perfect on paper guy. He's Catholic which is a big deal to me in and of itself not to mention he's a Republican, loves football and the Lions, tall, light hair, blue eyes. He rides dirt bikes and has the appearance of a man. I feel like my dad would get along so well with him. But good on paper...does it work out? I wish we weren't so compatible sometimes because the few times that I do see him around, we laugh and get along so well. Maybe I'm obsessing too because I haven't had a serious guy in my life for awhile. I've gone out with but all those end up being are sexual relationships. I want more and I feel like I could be happy with him. I need to get out of my head about it and let life fall into place. What is meant to be will be. If it doesn't work out with the two of us then that's ok. I have to be optimistic...the other way is just so depressing. Not to mention I'm trying to get rid of the bad energy and attitudes in my life so I can focus on living a happier one.