am i really here again?

is this really happening to me again? this hold that christopher has on me is insane and pathetic. i was fine. i moved on with my life and forgot about him. then just when i forget about running into him or seeing him ever again...he comes barging back into my life. of course i slept with him. huge mistake. now i can't get him off my mind. all the feelings i buried away and put into a deep dark place all came rushing back. he reminded me why i fell in love with him in the first place. that's the first time i've actually said that. fell in love. that's the only way that i can describe it...and i hate that fact. i barely know him in all honesty. but he's my kryptonite. cheesy but true. fuck. i cannot be falling for him again. i'm moving in a month to georgia. i don't need to be dealing with this shit again. it's already going to be hard enough for me to leave all my friends and family i really don't need to bed adding a boy into the mix. especially THE boy. christopher. the man of my dreams who broke my fucking heart. and I HATE HIM. yet i can't. i want and wish to see him as an asshole to let me move on for good...but i can't. i see him as this sweet, kind, charismatic guy. and i need to start seeing him as at least somewhat of a jerk off. i texted him tonight (stupid, i know) and NO RESPONSE. what. the. fuck. asshole. now i've spent the whole night worrying and stressing out over fucking nothing. are you kidding me?! who does this guy think he is? now every time that my phone goes off my heart stops, hoping it's him. and for what? what good could come with any contact with him? really? nothing. now i don't have the upper hand because i texted him. and i hate saying things like that but sadly it is true. damn. fuck. shit. cock. balls. and after all this hate i still want to see him. and kiss him. and i need to move away from those feelings. they are nothing but trouble and i need to move on from my life here and start fresh in georgia. i guess i have to just wait and see what happens. continue  to pack up my shit and go on about my life. so what that he didn't text back. who is he? you are a gorgeous young smart girl who deserves an amazing man who will never confuse you on how he feels about you. the man you are going to marry. the father to your children. he's out there. and he'll make you laugh at all these mistakes in your 20s and realize why it's not working out with anyone right now. patience. not my strong suit. this is more optimistic than i meant but it's all true. and has made me feel better for the night which i needed.
xoxo

expectation for change

so i've had this blog for over a year now and i have had this notion that i need to change my life. i have the motivation to change things for about 30 seconds then i go back to the same depressing bullshit i call my fun and fabulous single life. i smoke weed every day and i drink way more often than i should. i don't do activities that enrich and add to my life but rather ones that keep me down. by sleeping around i am really not helping my self esteem issues. it actually makes them way worse that is causing problems for my lack of love life. i need to work on myself and self worth before i can date and meet someone and not have things blow up in my pretty little face. i need to learn to have them chase me. i get way too excited at first then i scare them away. but at the same time they are stupid and confusing in their own messed up little way. i honestly have to stop thinking that it's me and that i don't deserve anything. because i do. it will come when i least expect it. it will make me understand why it never worked out with anyone else. but enough about guys. that is not going to be my defining thing. i need to stop obsessing and feeling like i'm less of a person because i don't have a man in my life. yes it would be nice and i do miss it but there are so many other things in my life that i would like to accomplish and change. time to sit back, relax and pursue my own dreams before i even think about giving myself to someone in any type of commitment.

now i say things like this from time to time and nothing ever changes. i keep smoking i keep drinking i keep hooking up. it's all keeping me down. but what can i do? change lifestyles. i need to grow up. i have the summer to have my fun but i'm going to be 24 years old. time to start moving forward with my life.

what i want and deserve

i just want a man that i can show up with chicken wings and beer, lay around and watch tv with. he'll laugh at me when i get wing sauce all over my face then kiss me and smile. not to be too specific... but things are just not that easy. but perhaps it's how i start things aka sleeping with a guy too soon. my low self esteem and love for attention is to blame. i'm a people pleaser. and a slut. wow that wasn't a fun realization. not that it's all  that new. it's fine now but i'm getting towards the tale end of things. i'm going to be 24 years old in the fall. a couple years out of college. i need to grow up a little bit. after hangiing out with brian and his friends down in georgia i realized two things...one i think i want to move down south sometime in the near future and two they are all kinda grown up with big kid jobs. not that i want to grow up all that much but it's time to start moving forward. not because society tells me that i need to but because i'm not 100% happy. in order for things to change i can't keep doing the same thing. meeting guys at bars? they are all pieces of shit. or douche bags. which come on now. you're meeting them when you are hammered. let's use some brain cells. but things are never going to change if i don't change first. i can't even tell you how many times i've said this. i had a wee bit of hope when i met floyd and we hit it off but then all of sudden without warning he just stopped showing interest. stef said he's very weird and that's just kind of how he is but when you like someone in my opinion you want to see them when you can and get to know him. i talked to him the other night very very briefly about hanging out this week. he responded so that's good i guess and said he works but maybe we could figure something out? so i guess i'll wait and see what he does. i put the ball in his court so up to him now. last try. if i don't hear from him after this no more. i can't be a pathetic girl anymore. i am young and beautiful and it's really not hard for me to attract men...i just need to start attracting the right ones and letting the pigs and losers keep walking. first off i need to stop getting so drunk. and spending all that money. i need need need to get out of this debt that i'm in. it's close to $6000...that is sooooo sooooo bad. things aren't going to change on their own. i need to start changing them myself. working out. eating healthy. reading more. watching less tv. and most importantly be happy with who i am. i am an awesome intelligent young woman. i need to own it.

oh boy...

Above all else, guard your heart, for everything you do flows from it.
-Proverbs 4:23

As I am sitting in my bed, on this extremely gloomy day sipping on my coffee that went cold quicker than I would like, I actually feel better than I have in about a week. The anxiety is still there but it is not nearly as bad as it was yesterday and the day before.
The good news is that I have finally met someone who has my attention besides Christopher...finally! The bad new is he is confusing as all hell. His name is Floyd and he's a close friend of Stef's. We'll get to that situation later. We met awhile back but two weeks ago, from today actually, we really hit it off while waiting for the girls to finish up getting ready. I usually don't go over there before we go out since they take way too long to get ready but I needed to get out of my house because I was actually supposed to meet this other guy I used to work with, Tyler, out for a drink. The way he went about us meeting up or hanging out was weird and drove me insane. That's old news though. He is out of the picture. Anyways, about 15 minutes after I arrived at Britt's house Floyd and Stef had just gotten back from dinner. Usually as the girls would get ready I would hang out in Stef's room and chit chat with them while they got ready. I felt bad for Floyd though just hanging out with all these girls so him and I just sat in the kitchen then the living room for almost three hours while they all dicked around. Colleen showed up with no make up on in sweats and a tshirt. I was like you have to be kidding me. Normally I would have gone insane but I was really enjoying the conversations that him and I were having. And it didn't stop there. Once we sat down at Gardellas, it was like him and I then over there were the girls and I was A-OK with that. I turned my phone off and gave Floyd my full attention and he ended up getting my number and asking me out on a date. Needless to say, I was ecstatic. It's been so long since a guy has asked me out on a date. We hung out the next night and the next night. I was spoiled right off the bat. When we went out on Saturday, however, I was super drunk and I blacked out. I felt like an idiot and all day Sunday I was freaking out but ended up talking to him later on. Monday I went over to his house to watch the Michigan game and they lost and he was a total freak about it. I mean I get into sports but my god. That was weird. Now it's been a week and three days since I've seen him. We moved so quickly right away that now that I haven't seen him it's freaking me out and I've had the worst anxiety since. Then on Tuesday, after I had Rachael pick up my close behind the bar and rushed home after work and changed he finally texted me back almost an hour after I got out of work that he was at central for his friends and that he was really sorry. I was on fucking fire. I texted him earlier in the day letting him know when I'd be out of work and he couldn't have the common decency to respond and let me know what he was doing? Like are you kidding me? It was extremely rude. So he gets this one. But I'm most definitely going to take a step back. I got way too invested too quickly and maybe just need to go with the flow and see what he does. If I hear from him great! If not, then fuck him haha jk but really. It wasn't meant to be then. I will be seriously bummed out but I have to experience the pain and heartache to appreciate the good and exciting stuff that is sure to come my way :) it'll happen for me at some point.  I just need to be patient...something I am not good at! Ugh lol well the pluses are that he always responds to me and did make the plans with me...he just didn't keep them. Stef told me that if he doesn't want to talk to a girl, he won't so that's good. I even asked if it would be different since I'm friends with her and she said no. So that's good? I just don't want to make excuses for him. I need to be with someone who knows what they have when they have me. I mean I like him a lot and I really want to text him but I know it would be best if I didn't. We shall see what he does over the weekend. If I don't hear from him this weekend I'm going to delete his number and write him off. I can't be pathetic and chase after someone. I deserve to be chased.

delusional...?

sometimes i really think that i'm delusional. why do i constantly think about christopher? well maybe no constantly but most definitely on a day to day basis. it was kind of getting better and on it's way out of being constantly on my mind but then he had to go and "like" my picture...oh my how dare he (as i roll my eyes at myself knowing how dumb this sounds). now he's on my radar again. he's never commented or liked anything of mine. ever. and it was a picture of my sister and i. does it mean something? probably not but i will still obsess over it as if it has some subliminal message that i need to figure out because i'm just that crazy. two weeks or so prior, i wrote on his wall and wished him a happy birthday and that actually helped me move on a little bit. is he thinking of me? do i cross his mind at all? AHHHHHHHHHHHHHH. i'm insane. i honestly don't think i will be moving on in any real way until i see him again. i'm going to run into him somewhere in grand rapids when he gets back. when it will be...no clue. how will i act? will i hold my ground and know i deserve better than the way he treated me. or left me. feeling worthless and stupid. or will i fall for him all over again and forget the past? perhaps a combination of both. i just have this strong feeling that our story is not yet over. hence why i'm either delusional or feeling something i've never felt for someone and knowing there has to be more...it's just half time. everyone is sent into your life for a reason. to help you grow, learn life lessons, get hurt so you know better in the future. i'm supposed to do so much growing in my 20s so i will never regret anything that i've done. i make loads of mistakes but i know i'm growing into an amazing person that will have the life knowledge that i need. so what is going to be the point of christopher in my life? do i have a good intuition or am i a delusional girl who's been obsessing secretly over? never in my life have i felt this way about someone. ever. was it because he was leaving? or was it really him? i mean we had a lot in common, he made me laugh, and he was a sweet guy...for the most part. exception was the night he got black out hammered and was kind of a dick to me. did i just look over that night and not see the signs? he was so sweet at the beginning of the night then trying to pick up another girl right in front of me. idk. i just can't get that smile out of my mind. he's cute but his smile just makes my knees week. ahhhh why?! i guess only tiime will tell...i'll either meet someone or have closure once he's back.

time for change.

I always bitch about men being assholes. And about a year and a half ago I realized, oh so harshly, that perhaps I haven't met a gentleman because I haven't been a lady. When you act like the girls in rap videos those are the pigs you will attract. As I sip my coffee and text on my phone I wonder what my deal is. All the complaining and bitching isn't necessary. I have all the tools to change my life and head in a more positive direction but I keep going back to the same old bad habits-sleeping with inappropriate men, smoking weed all day long, and living off take out in my bedroom. Why am I not out?! Not even necessarily at the bar but the gym, a coffee shop...somewhere other than on my ass sulking about my life. I am so fortunate with everything I have at my disposal. I have the worlds most amazing parents especially my mother. She is my rock. My sister is always there for me even if she is a little too critical of me and doesn't cut me any slack. And my little brother is a turd but has a heart of gold. I forget how lucky I am sometimes. Single women always see everything worse than it is...why is that? Because we don't have a man? How sad. I mean don't get me wrong, men are just fabulous they can just turn life upside down...sometimes in a good way but mostly not until you get to a certain age and they have started to grow up a little. This will never happen fully as I've seen my dad act like my mothers oldest child since I can remember but I wouldn't have that any other way. Now, with all the great things happening in my life right now (finishing up mine and my sisters home which we own) missing Christopher has increased ten fold. I got to a point where I missed him and still thought about him a lot but it was getting better. Then out of no where he liked my picture on Facebook. I know how insane that sounds but that means he was thinking about me, even if only for a moment. It's not like we were friends. Idk I know I sound insane but I can't help but fall back into old habits and question yet again if our story isn't quite over yet? Love story romantic or crazy girl pathetic? Who knows. I'm just nervous for the day that I see him again.

overthinkers anonymous.

not really anonymous but goes with the joke. or whatever you want to call it. i'm going into neurotic, anxious mode. i can't really talk to anyone about it because when i describe it and actually say it out loud it sounds absolutely ridiculous...yet i am obsessing over this. Christopher-the man who I fell head over heels for without knowing him very well, something very out of character for me- "liked" my new profile picture of my sister and i. see, i am crazy. and neurotic. but this is CONSUMING my ever thought and if i don't write about it and get it off my chest i'm going to obsess about it and make my self super sad. oh and valentine's day would be tomorrow. just saying. sucks being alone anyways but thinking about a guy who most likely thinks i'm crazy and has no idea the hard time i've had trying to forget him. i've never had these sorts of feelings for anyone in my entire life...even jose who was the first person that i actually loved. i'm not going to say that i was in love with Christopher but he did sneak into my heart. i don't know him well enough to make that call but i know these feeling for him are strong and the stuff of great romances. i want to move on. i want to meet someone else. i can't. i haven't dated or really even tried to pursue anyone since him. the beginning of july. 7 months and some odd days. i mean i had a crush on tyler at jordan's work but that really didn't last long and i wouldn't date him. i never thought that i would ever feel this way about someone when i didn't even really know him. i mean we hung out a few times...mostly when i was sleeping with his best friend :/ but we clicked and got along so well. what the hell went wrong from the night of his going away party to the morning when i had to leave. we were kissing and flirting in the short moments we had at the end of the night then in the morning he turned his cheek to me when i tried to kiss him. did pat sharrard say something to him? did his mom not like me? (not possible, i was a peach). was he worried about not hurting me in the long run? why why didn't i say anything about it that night!? i can go on and on. why did he reassure me that he'd be back when i got sad? he knew how i felt!! be a man and say you don't feel that way. don't invite me to your damn family going away party, witness me stay there all day when i knew practically nobody and couldn't hang out with you much because of all the people there to see you!! ugh i'm so sad. and bummed. and curioius. he left without saying anything. i understand he was in an impossible situation but then coming to grand rapids...not telling me...then going out to dinner with the crazy ex girlfriend who thought he was "mean." i think deep down i knew. he was texting her all day at that party. justin cranick was talking about him and her. he has no idea what he missed out on. i may  have moved on already if it weren't for me knowing that he will be back in the grand rapids area and i most likely will see him again seeing as he and david rieves are talking about getting a house together when they get back. david is a weirdo but he's still my friend and i'd be a total asshole if i didn't hang out with him when he got back. then i have DELUSIONAL thoughts of maybe our love story isn't over blah blah blah. even if he wanted to date, have sex what have you i know it would be a bad idea. but then i say hey maybe it wouldn't be just make him prove it to you. but that's the kind of thinking that's just going to upset me when he does come back. i'm stronger than that...and i deserve better. but then my crazy girl brain says "well maybe he ignored you to make it easier for me to deal with him being gone." absolute craziness. this is just a tiny bit of what has been going through my mind for roughly the past 2.5 hours. i have lost my mind. and it just proves that girls like when guys treat them like shit...it just makes us want you assholes even more -_-

my "new year new me" cliche.

well it's a new year...2013. This is the year that my baby brother is graduating. I remember thinking that it was a long time before I graduated. Now I'm graduated from COLLEGE and my brother is graduating from high school. Super weird. Anyways that's not what this blog is about. I've set a series of goals for myself for the year instead of a specific new years resolution that will ultimately fail. The main goal is health. I need to steer myself down a healthier pathway than I've been traveling down recently. I need to quit smoking. I've been doing OK. Today's count is zero where it should remain. I had one yesterday, two the day before that, and about 5 the day before that. Not too shabby but I need to quit before I have more trouble than I'm having now. Once I quit smoking weed, I think that will be a little easier because when I'm stoned I crave a cigarette which is why I had one last night. I'm trying to use up the rest of the eighter I bought last week and then no mas. From time to time probably but I need to clean out my system so I can start applying for jobs and not have to sift through the ones that require a drug test. I'm going to still go out, but def. cutting back. I need to save money for one and secondly, it's no secret that you make poor decisions whilst drinking. I want to meet a nice guy. Not a drunken fool that my beer goggles tells me is sexy. Combining all that with eating better and less and working out, I'm hoping to drop 20-25lbs by summertime. It's possible but I really need to commit myself to this and be serious. I'm so lazy and enough is enough. I don't like that I lay in bed all day, smoke weed, order take out, and watch tv for hours on end. It's pretty sickening. TIME FOR CHANGE. Now that I have my own computer I can start putting more effort towards writing and possibly finding a career doing something that I love to do. The next few weeks are going to be key in my success and I look forward to tracking my progress (and hopefully not my regress!)