what i want and deserve

i just want a man that i can show up with chicken wings and beer, lay around and watch tv with. he'll laugh at me when i get wing sauce all over my face then kiss me and smile. not to be too specific... but things are just not that easy. but perhaps it's how i start things aka sleeping with a guy too soon. my low self esteem and love for attention is to blame. i'm a people pleaser. and a slut. wow that wasn't a fun realization. not that it's all  that new. it's fine now but i'm getting towards the tale end of things. i'm going to be 24 years old in the fall. a couple years out of college. i need to grow up a little bit. after hangiing out with brian and his friends down in georgia i realized two things...one i think i want to move down south sometime in the near future and two they are all kinda grown up with big kid jobs. not that i want to grow up all that much but it's time to start moving forward. not because society tells me that i need to but because i'm not 100% happy. in order for things to change i can't keep doing the same thing. meeting guys at bars? they are all pieces of shit. or douche bags. which come on now. you're meeting them when you are hammered. let's use some brain cells. but things are never going to change if i don't change first. i can't even tell you how many times i've said this. i had a wee bit of hope when i met floyd and we hit it off but then all of sudden without warning he just stopped showing interest. stef said he's very weird and that's just kind of how he is but when you like someone in my opinion you want to see them when you can and get to know him. i talked to him the other night very very briefly about hanging out this week. he responded so that's good i guess and said he works but maybe we could figure something out? so i guess i'll wait and see what he does. i put the ball in his court so up to him now. last try. if i don't hear from him after this no more. i can't be a pathetic girl anymore. i am young and beautiful and it's really not hard for me to attract men...i just need to start attracting the right ones and letting the pigs and losers keep walking. first off i need to stop getting so drunk. and spending all that money. i need need need to get out of this debt that i'm in. it's close to $6000...that is sooooo sooooo bad. things aren't going to change on their own. i need to start changing them myself. working out. eating healthy. reading more. watching less tv. and most importantly be happy with who i am. i am an awesome intelligent young woman. i need to own it.