expectation for change

so i've had this blog for over a year now and i have had this notion that i need to change my life. i have the motivation to change things for about 30 seconds then i go back to the same depressing bullshit i call my fun and fabulous single life. i smoke weed every day and i drink way more often than i should. i don't do activities that enrich and add to my life but rather ones that keep me down. by sleeping around i am really not helping my self esteem issues. it actually makes them way worse that is causing problems for my lack of love life. i need to work on myself and self worth before i can date and meet someone and not have things blow up in my pretty little face. i need to learn to have them chase me. i get way too excited at first then i scare them away. but at the same time they are stupid and confusing in their own messed up little way. i honestly have to stop thinking that it's me and that i don't deserve anything. because i do. it will come when i least expect it. it will make me understand why it never worked out with anyone else. but enough about guys. that is not going to be my defining thing. i need to stop obsessing and feeling like i'm less of a person because i don't have a man in my life. yes it would be nice and i do miss it but there are so many other things in my life that i would like to accomplish and change. time to sit back, relax and pursue my own dreams before i even think about giving myself to someone in any type of commitment.

now i say things like this from time to time and nothing ever changes. i keep smoking i keep drinking i keep hooking up. it's all keeping me down. but what can i do? change lifestyles. i need to grow up. i have the summer to have my fun but i'm going to be 24 years old. time to start moving forward with my life.

what i want and deserve

i just want a man that i can show up with chicken wings and beer, lay around and watch tv with. he'll laugh at me when i get wing sauce all over my face then kiss me and smile. not to be too specific... but things are just not that easy. but perhaps it's how i start things aka sleeping with a guy too soon. my low self esteem and love for attention is to blame. i'm a people pleaser. and a slut. wow that wasn't a fun realization. not that it's all  that new. it's fine now but i'm getting towards the tale end of things. i'm going to be 24 years old in the fall. a couple years out of college. i need to grow up a little bit. after hangiing out with brian and his friends down in georgia i realized two things...one i think i want to move down south sometime in the near future and two they are all kinda grown up with big kid jobs. not that i want to grow up all that much but it's time to start moving forward. not because society tells me that i need to but because i'm not 100% happy. in order for things to change i can't keep doing the same thing. meeting guys at bars? they are all pieces of shit. or douche bags. which come on now. you're meeting them when you are hammered. let's use some brain cells. but things are never going to change if i don't change first. i can't even tell you how many times i've said this. i had a wee bit of hope when i met floyd and we hit it off but then all of sudden without warning he just stopped showing interest. stef said he's very weird and that's just kind of how he is but when you like someone in my opinion you want to see them when you can and get to know him. i talked to him the other night very very briefly about hanging out this week. he responded so that's good i guess and said he works but maybe we could figure something out? so i guess i'll wait and see what he does. i put the ball in his court so up to him now. last try. if i don't hear from him after this no more. i can't be a pathetic girl anymore. i am young and beautiful and it's really not hard for me to attract men...i just need to start attracting the right ones and letting the pigs and losers keep walking. first off i need to stop getting so drunk. and spending all that money. i need need need to get out of this debt that i'm in. it's close to $6000...that is sooooo sooooo bad. things aren't going to change on their own. i need to start changing them myself. working out. eating healthy. reading more. watching less tv. and most importantly be happy with who i am. i am an awesome intelligent young woman. i need to own it.