is this really happening to me again? this hold that christopher has on me is insane and pathetic. i was fine. i moved on with my life and forgot about him. then just when i forget about running into him or seeing him ever again...he comes barging back into my life. of course i slept with him. huge mistake. now i can't get him off my mind. all the feelings i buried away and put into a deep dark place all came rushing back. he reminded me why i fell in love with him in the first place. that's the first time i've actually said that. fell in love. that's the only way that i can describe it...and i hate that fact. i barely know him in all honesty. but he's my kryptonite. cheesy but true. fuck. i cannot be falling for him again. i'm moving in a month to georgia. i don't need to be dealing with this shit again. it's already going to be hard enough for me to leave all my friends and family i really don't need to bed adding a boy into the mix. especially THE boy. christopher. the man of my dreams who broke my fucking heart. and I HATE HIM. yet i can't. i want and wish to see him as an asshole to let me move on for good...but i can't. i see him as this sweet, kind, charismatic guy. and i need to start seeing him as at least somewhat of a jerk off. i texted him tonight (stupid, i know) and NO RESPONSE. what. the. fuck. asshole. now i've spent the whole night worrying and stressing out over fucking nothing. are you kidding me?! who does this guy think he is? now every time that my phone goes off my heart stops, hoping it's him. and for what? what good could come with any contact with him? really? nothing. now i don't have the upper hand because i texted him. and i hate saying things like that but sadly it is true. damn. fuck. shit. cock. balls. and after all this hate i still want to see him. and kiss him. and i need to move away from those feelings. they are nothing but trouble and i need to move on from my life here and start fresh in georgia. i guess i have to just wait and see what happens. continue to pack up my shit and go on about my life. so what that he didn't text back. who is he? you are a gorgeous young smart girl who deserves an amazing man who will never confuse you on how he feels about you. the man you are going to marry. the father to your children. he's out there. and he'll make you laugh at all these mistakes in your 20s and realize why it's not working out with anyone right now. patience. not my strong suit. this is more optimistic than i meant but it's all true. and has made me feel better for the night which i needed.
xoxo
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