this is by far the biggest change in my life that i have ever made. i'm not so sure that i can do it. and i know that i need to keep a more positive attitude so i can have a shot of being successful down here. i should not have slept with zach. don't get me wrong. i had such an amazing night with him and it was the first new years eve that i actually enjoyed myself. more than enjoyed. but now i'm in this position that has me all over the place... why must i get attached like this? is it him? or is it the fact that i am looking for someone and he's giving me a little bit of attention? he's a sweet guy and jordan confirmed that but one i'm in another state now (figures) and two who knows if he would even consider any type of long distance arrangement (or even likes me like that). it does seem that way though. up until yesterday he was texting me every day and at first it was sexy stuff and reminiscing about our wonderful evening together but he hoped that i made it down here safely and talked to me about normal stuff. i may have sent him a few pictures which i honestly should not have done...very stupid but what can i do now. i have nudies of him too not that guys care all that much if they get passed around. ugh why do i allow these things to happen to me?! :( or better yet...why do i do this to myself? now i have feelings for him. possibly anyways. i developed a crush on him the first time i ever met him. i never really saw him much after that not to mention he had a girlfriend.
i guess i want to know one way or another what is going on through his head when it comes to me. does he just think of me as a fling and getting a little something extra afterwards or does he like me? it's going to be the death of me but i feel like i don't really have anyone that i can talk to about it. jordan would tell me that i'm a fucking idiot which she is not far off. casey doesn't really say much about anything. i called dustan earlier but no answer so i'll have to try again tomorrow and see what he says. i know it's not smart and it would cause more problems than good because long distance doesn't work out so i'd eventually move back home. why i'm even thinking about this is absurd. yeah he might be texting me a little bit and flirting but it probably will fizzle out since i won't be able to actually see or hang out with him. i won't be going home until at least april so that's a few months to forget about me...or move on and find someone new. i do this a lot. i just need to find someone else. that'll help me. but for now i'll just have to deal with the anxiety and yearning i have for him. or stay drunk. fuuuuuuuuck. i guess if he said no i don't want anything further with you i would be able to move on and forget about it. but i can't bring that kind of thing up right now without sounding like some sort of psycho. which i can be sometimes. i think i'm just trying to figure my life out and find someone to share my life with. i've been single for too long and i'm ready to have a man in my life. things can never be easy for me can they?
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