oh boy...

Above all else, guard your heart, for everything you do flows from it.
-Proverbs 4:23

As I am sitting in my bed, on this extremely gloomy day sipping on my coffee that went cold quicker than I would like, I actually feel better than I have in about a week. The anxiety is still there but it is not nearly as bad as it was yesterday and the day before.
The good news is that I have finally met someone who has my attention besides Christopher...finally! The bad new is he is confusing as all hell. His name is Floyd and he's a close friend of Stef's. We'll get to that situation later. We met awhile back but two weeks ago, from today actually, we really hit it off while waiting for the girls to finish up getting ready. I usually don't go over there before we go out since they take way too long to get ready but I needed to get out of my house because I was actually supposed to meet this other guy I used to work with, Tyler, out for a drink. The way he went about us meeting up or hanging out was weird and drove me insane. That's old news though. He is out of the picture. Anyways, about 15 minutes after I arrived at Britt's house Floyd and Stef had just gotten back from dinner. Usually as the girls would get ready I would hang out in Stef's room and chit chat with them while they got ready. I felt bad for Floyd though just hanging out with all these girls so him and I just sat in the kitchen then the living room for almost three hours while they all dicked around. Colleen showed up with no make up on in sweats and a tshirt. I was like you have to be kidding me. Normally I would have gone insane but I was really enjoying the conversations that him and I were having. And it didn't stop there. Once we sat down at Gardellas, it was like him and I then over there were the girls and I was A-OK with that. I turned my phone off and gave Floyd my full attention and he ended up getting my number and asking me out on a date. Needless to say, I was ecstatic. It's been so long since a guy has asked me out on a date. We hung out the next night and the next night. I was spoiled right off the bat. When we went out on Saturday, however, I was super drunk and I blacked out. I felt like an idiot and all day Sunday I was freaking out but ended up talking to him later on. Monday I went over to his house to watch the Michigan game and they lost and he was a total freak about it. I mean I get into sports but my god. That was weird. Now it's been a week and three days since I've seen him. We moved so quickly right away that now that I haven't seen him it's freaking me out and I've had the worst anxiety since. Then on Tuesday, after I had Rachael pick up my close behind the bar and rushed home after work and changed he finally texted me back almost an hour after I got out of work that he was at central for his friends and that he was really sorry. I was on fucking fire. I texted him earlier in the day letting him know when I'd be out of work and he couldn't have the common decency to respond and let me know what he was doing? Like are you kidding me? It was extremely rude. So he gets this one. But I'm most definitely going to take a step back. I got way too invested too quickly and maybe just need to go with the flow and see what he does. If I hear from him great! If not, then fuck him haha jk but really. It wasn't meant to be then. I will be seriously bummed out but I have to experience the pain and heartache to appreciate the good and exciting stuff that is sure to come my way :) it'll happen for me at some point.  I just need to be patient...something I am not good at! Ugh lol well the pluses are that he always responds to me and did make the plans with me...he just didn't keep them. Stef told me that if he doesn't want to talk to a girl, he won't so that's good. I even asked if it would be different since I'm friends with her and she said no. So that's good? I just don't want to make excuses for him. I need to be with someone who knows what they have when they have me. I mean I like him a lot and I really want to text him but I know it would be best if I didn't. We shall see what he does over the weekend. If I don't hear from him this weekend I'm going to delete his number and write him off. I can't be pathetic and chase after someone. I deserve to be chased.

delusional...?

sometimes i really think that i'm delusional. why do i constantly think about christopher? well maybe no constantly but most definitely on a day to day basis. it was kind of getting better and on it's way out of being constantly on my mind but then he had to go and "like" my picture...oh my how dare he (as i roll my eyes at myself knowing how dumb this sounds). now he's on my radar again. he's never commented or liked anything of mine. ever. and it was a picture of my sister and i. does it mean something? probably not but i will still obsess over it as if it has some subliminal message that i need to figure out because i'm just that crazy. two weeks or so prior, i wrote on his wall and wished him a happy birthday and that actually helped me move on a little bit. is he thinking of me? do i cross his mind at all? AHHHHHHHHHHHHHH. i'm insane. i honestly don't think i will be moving on in any real way until i see him again. i'm going to run into him somewhere in grand rapids when he gets back. when it will be...no clue. how will i act? will i hold my ground and know i deserve better than the way he treated me. or left me. feeling worthless and stupid. or will i fall for him all over again and forget the past? perhaps a combination of both. i just have this strong feeling that our story is not yet over. hence why i'm either delusional or feeling something i've never felt for someone and knowing there has to be more...it's just half time. everyone is sent into your life for a reason. to help you grow, learn life lessons, get hurt so you know better in the future. i'm supposed to do so much growing in my 20s so i will never regret anything that i've done. i make loads of mistakes but i know i'm growing into an amazing person that will have the life knowledge that i need. so what is going to be the point of christopher in my life? do i have a good intuition or am i a delusional girl who's been obsessing secretly over? never in my life have i felt this way about someone. ever. was it because he was leaving? or was it really him? i mean we had a lot in common, he made me laugh, and he was a sweet guy...for the most part. exception was the night he got black out hammered and was kind of a dick to me. did i just look over that night and not see the signs? he was so sweet at the beginning of the night then trying to pick up another girl right in front of me. idk. i just can't get that smile out of my mind. he's cute but his smile just makes my knees week. ahhhh why?! i guess only tiime will tell...i'll either meet someone or have closure once he's back.

time for change.

I always bitch about men being assholes. And about a year and a half ago I realized, oh so harshly, that perhaps I haven't met a gentleman because I haven't been a lady. When you act like the girls in rap videos those are the pigs you will attract. As I sip my coffee and text on my phone I wonder what my deal is. All the complaining and bitching isn't necessary. I have all the tools to change my life and head in a more positive direction but I keep going back to the same old bad habits-sleeping with inappropriate men, smoking weed all day long, and living off take out in my bedroom. Why am I not out?! Not even necessarily at the bar but the gym, a coffee shop...somewhere other than on my ass sulking about my life. I am so fortunate with everything I have at my disposal. I have the worlds most amazing parents especially my mother. She is my rock. My sister is always there for me even if she is a little too critical of me and doesn't cut me any slack. And my little brother is a turd but has a heart of gold. I forget how lucky I am sometimes. Single women always see everything worse than it is...why is that? Because we don't have a man? How sad. I mean don't get me wrong, men are just fabulous they can just turn life upside down...sometimes in a good way but mostly not until you get to a certain age and they have started to grow up a little. This will never happen fully as I've seen my dad act like my mothers oldest child since I can remember but I wouldn't have that any other way. Now, with all the great things happening in my life right now (finishing up mine and my sisters home which we own) missing Christopher has increased ten fold. I got to a point where I missed him and still thought about him a lot but it was getting better. Then out of no where he liked my picture on Facebook. I know how insane that sounds but that means he was thinking about me, even if only for a moment. It's not like we were friends. Idk I know I sound insane but I can't help but fall back into old habits and question yet again if our story isn't quite over yet? Love story romantic or crazy girl pathetic? Who knows. I'm just nervous for the day that I see him again.

overthinkers anonymous.

not really anonymous but goes with the joke. or whatever you want to call it. i'm going into neurotic, anxious mode. i can't really talk to anyone about it because when i describe it and actually say it out loud it sounds absolutely ridiculous...yet i am obsessing over this. Christopher-the man who I fell head over heels for without knowing him very well, something very out of character for me- "liked" my new profile picture of my sister and i. see, i am crazy. and neurotic. but this is CONSUMING my ever thought and if i don't write about it and get it off my chest i'm going to obsess about it and make my self super sad. oh and valentine's day would be tomorrow. just saying. sucks being alone anyways but thinking about a guy who most likely thinks i'm crazy and has no idea the hard time i've had trying to forget him. i've never had these sorts of feelings for anyone in my entire life...even jose who was the first person that i actually loved. i'm not going to say that i was in love with Christopher but he did sneak into my heart. i don't know him well enough to make that call but i know these feeling for him are strong and the stuff of great romances. i want to move on. i want to meet someone else. i can't. i haven't dated or really even tried to pursue anyone since him. the beginning of july. 7 months and some odd days. i mean i had a crush on tyler at jordan's work but that really didn't last long and i wouldn't date him. i never thought that i would ever feel this way about someone when i didn't even really know him. i mean we hung out a few times...mostly when i was sleeping with his best friend :/ but we clicked and got along so well. what the hell went wrong from the night of his going away party to the morning when i had to leave. we were kissing and flirting in the short moments we had at the end of the night then in the morning he turned his cheek to me when i tried to kiss him. did pat sharrard say something to him? did his mom not like me? (not possible, i was a peach). was he worried about not hurting me in the long run? why why didn't i say anything about it that night!? i can go on and on. why did he reassure me that he'd be back when i got sad? he knew how i felt!! be a man and say you don't feel that way. don't invite me to your damn family going away party, witness me stay there all day when i knew practically nobody and couldn't hang out with you much because of all the people there to see you!! ugh i'm so sad. and bummed. and curioius. he left without saying anything. i understand he was in an impossible situation but then coming to grand rapids...not telling me...then going out to dinner with the crazy ex girlfriend who thought he was "mean." i think deep down i knew. he was texting her all day at that party. justin cranick was talking about him and her. he has no idea what he missed out on. i may  have moved on already if it weren't for me knowing that he will be back in the grand rapids area and i most likely will see him again seeing as he and david rieves are talking about getting a house together when they get back. david is a weirdo but he's still my friend and i'd be a total asshole if i didn't hang out with him when he got back. then i have DELUSIONAL thoughts of maybe our love story isn't over blah blah blah. even if he wanted to date, have sex what have you i know it would be a bad idea. but then i say hey maybe it wouldn't be just make him prove it to you. but that's the kind of thinking that's just going to upset me when he does come back. i'm stronger than that...and i deserve better. but then my crazy girl brain says "well maybe he ignored you to make it easier for me to deal with him being gone." absolute craziness. this is just a tiny bit of what has been going through my mind for roughly the past 2.5 hours. i have lost my mind. and it just proves that girls like when guys treat them like shit...it just makes us want you assholes even more -_-

my "new year new me" cliche.

well it's a new year...2013. This is the year that my baby brother is graduating. I remember thinking that it was a long time before I graduated. Now I'm graduated from COLLEGE and my brother is graduating from high school. Super weird. Anyways that's not what this blog is about. I've set a series of goals for myself for the year instead of a specific new years resolution that will ultimately fail. The main goal is health. I need to steer myself down a healthier pathway than I've been traveling down recently. I need to quit smoking. I've been doing OK. Today's count is zero where it should remain. I had one yesterday, two the day before that, and about 5 the day before that. Not too shabby but I need to quit before I have more trouble than I'm having now. Once I quit smoking weed, I think that will be a little easier because when I'm stoned I crave a cigarette which is why I had one last night. I'm trying to use up the rest of the eighter I bought last week and then no mas. From time to time probably but I need to clean out my system so I can start applying for jobs and not have to sift through the ones that require a drug test. I'm going to still go out, but def. cutting back. I need to save money for one and secondly, it's no secret that you make poor decisions whilst drinking. I want to meet a nice guy. Not a drunken fool that my beer goggles tells me is sexy. Combining all that with eating better and less and working out, I'm hoping to drop 20-25lbs by summertime. It's possible but I really need to commit myself to this and be serious. I'm so lazy and enough is enough. I don't like that I lay in bed all day, smoke weed, order take out, and watch tv for hours on end. It's pretty sickening. TIME FOR CHANGE. Now that I have my own computer I can start putting more effort towards writing and possibly finding a career doing something that I love to do. The next few weeks are going to be key in my success and I look forward to tracking my progress (and hopefully not my regress!)

The "C" word.

So loosely has this term been used in recent years. I'm one of the very few (in my opinion) people who seriously oppose the usage of this word. There have been a select few woman I've encountered that deserve to be called this and yet so many, particularly men, use this word like it's no big deal. Tonight for example I took off and went home because a guy that I was out with would not acknowledge that the word not only offended me but bothered me severely. That's when another guy yelled the word without even knowing what was going on. Side note: I was not the only girl within ear shot of what was going on.
I chose to take off and go which to the group most likely seemed over dramatic but to me was talking a stand Seriously? I said I was offended and I seriously didn't appreciate the use of the word and it didn't matter. Ok, that's fine but I'm not going to stick around and listen to that kind of language. I reacted and hit the guy who then continued to threaten me saying don't ever do that again blah blah blah in "macho man" kind of way. Ha ha ha. Dude you don't scare me. Not to make it sound like "oh yeah I'm a badass" kind of attitude but I'm sorry...he wasn't going to hit me in any way shape or form especially in front of all those people.
I guess my point of this particular entry is to raise some sort of awareness to the blind usage of the word. It is an extremely derogatory term towards woman and its disgusting when people use it , especially women. Shame on you. Times present itself when that certain girl comes around but those are honestly few and far between. Opened my eyes tonight though, definitely made me realize that I'm ready to start growing up and not hanging out with such immature individuals. One of the guys that used the word was my crush...key word WAS. I can't even allow the attraction to happen. It was so loosely used and like it was no big deal. Call me over dramatic and making something a problem but I have yet to stick up for my morals and beliefs on a consistent basis and that's not right. Time to continue this path of strength I've been on.
"Do not go where the path may lead. Go instead where there is no path and leave a trail."
-Ralph Waldo Emerson

still pissed.

Why do guys have to be such jerks? Or are girls, myself in particular, just that stupid? I'm going to say it's both. Yes, I'm an idiot for falling for a guy and letting him in so far before actually getting to know this person. BUT in my defense, he knew how I felt and I definitely showed it by going above and beyond for him. He hurt me so badly and I'm recovering from it but it's because I know that I have no choice. He's going overseas. Besides that, he's an asshole. It is yet again another instance where guys do what they have to do to get a girl to sleep with them, etc. I cannot help but discredit my intuition a little bit. I had such a strong feeling and felt so differently than I ever have before in my life. I thought that there was something to come of him and I. He brought such a smile to my face and I trusted him with no hesitation, something I have not really been able to do for the past four years. I felt such a connection with him and we had so much in common. What does the prick do? Ignores me and continues whatever you want to call it with his ex girlfriend...there is a reason she is your ex right? Go ahead and go back to what is familiar and miss out on something new and exciting. Something you will never know what it could have been because it was never given the chance and that is ok. I'm not going to pine over some average Joe when he doesn't want anything to do with me. I'm better than that and I deserve much better than that.