working title...

So I can get a tad bit cray cray when I like someone. It's gotten more intense as I've gotten older which is weird. I don't know that I've ever been laid back about crushes but I know that things have become more intense as I've grown older. It's probably because feelings get more intense? I am not sure but I know that I really do like Adam. I can't help but think that the intense feelings I've been having are because I've been alone for so long. Do I just want someone?? I'm pretty good about not just dating someone due to convenience. I don't just date to date. If I wanted a boyfriend, I would have a boyfriend. I want something more. Maybe it's all the romantic comedies that I watch but I'm looking for something magical. Not the movie magical. But the real life passion. I tell myself sometimes that I set my standards too high but at the same time I should! I am a great person (with many flaws) but I bring so many things to the table any man would be lucky to have me. That isn't a bad attitude to have. I am not going to just settle because I'm lonely. As for Adam...get off your ass dude! I have been making an effort and I'm not getting a whole lot back. Meet me half way. I don't mind asking him to hang out or do things but jeez! Ask me to do shit too. You know that I like you. You have a win win situation. It takes all of the pressure off asking me out. I will say yes! It's just all going a lot slower than I would like it to go because I'm super super impatient. Matt even said that it was going to take some time which is fine but not this much time. I'm going home for two weeks on Wednesday and I would really love to have some sort of texting relationship with him because I know I'm going to be thinking about about him. But I just don't see it happening which is fine because I'll be busy with seeing everyone that I want to see and enjoying my time off but still. I would really love to see where this shit is going. I don't want to waste my time.
We hung out just the two of us a week and a half ago and it was amazing. I love that we were able to spend time the two of us without having people around and we talked but of course I also want more. He seems like a great person with baggage which at this point who doesn't have baggage. I know that I have a ton of it. But the overall picture is worth it. He needs to not be so shy. I'm shy too but c'mon. Meet me half way at least. Last Friday we got really drunk and he doesn't remember which was good. He smacked my ass at one point which I don't even remember why. He probably doesn't even remember. Then I got feisty when he gave me a beer. But he gave me the beer he took a sip out of which is fine but of course I had to be like hey can I get a new beer? I mean you did just smack my ass lol I don't mind drinking after him but c'mon man. I deserve a new beer. I want to come off as a girl that doesn't take any shit. The great thing about movinrg to a new place where people don't really know me is I had the opportunity to start somewhat fresh. No one fucks with me at work. Or in general. Which people really didn't before but here it's on a different level. They don't know that I'm really a softie. But I can't let them know that lol
Anyways...I just would really like to know whether or not this crush is going to go somewhere so I don't waste my time. We get along very well and he makes me laugh. And at the end of the day that's all that matters. <3

reach for the stars, over the fence

Some times I really wish that I didn't get so crazy over men. I get a crush and it consumes my every thought. I can't sleep. I can't eat. Over what? A freaking crush! There isn't even anything going on with Adam and I yet. Like I can barely talk to him unless we're out at Applebee's. Even then, I don't really interact with him much. Want to change that. I'm not mad that he knows I have a crush on him but it's the way he found out, like we are in middle school. Like Michelle really went about it wrong...and talked to him while she was at work! Matt knows as well. Which he's my friend and I don't really care but I do know that he has a big mouth. I just really don't want this to get all over work. I really don't need people getting all up in my business.
Michelle flat out went up to him at work asking if he liked anyone at work then proceeded to say that someone has a crush on him but she couldn't tell him who. And I guess he was like ok? So she gave him a clue-she has the same name as someone else here which I'm basically the only one who shares a name and who it could be. There are two Tiffany's but they both have BFs and there are two Jessica's  but both of them have BF's as well. So then it leaves the two Taylor's. The other Taylor is 20 and stupid lol so then that leaves me. He figured it out pretty quick especially because I texted him the other day to come and hang out with us. I guess he asked Matt about me :) which is exciting but I really hate the fact that there are middle men and that Matt is now involved. Not that I don't love Matt, he just doesn't have the best track record with keeping his mouth shut. Anyways, it's a good thing because he's "feeling me" which I hate that that is a term that is used because Michelle said the same thing. I'm glad I talked to Matt though because at least I got more of a concrete answer other than he thinks you're cute. I guess I have this irrational fear that people aren't looking out for me and not going to help me out in the best way. Like what if Matt purposely fucks things up for Adam and I because things didn't work out with us. These are the crazy things that go through my head. It's insane really. Ugh! I really do need to just focus on the good and not the stressful. He likes me. That's good for right now. Just sucks that we are in this limbo area.
At the end of the day though I'm really glad he knows so maybe he can put forth some effort too. We shall see. He's "feeling" me and I'm "feeling" (barf) him. I am going home in three weeks though so that's going to put everything on hold. I'm just hoping we get the chance to hang out before that. Which I'm sure we will. But like actually hang out, not like a group after work thing. I would like to start getting to know him a little better. Patience!!

moving on and away...to georgia

this is by far the biggest change in my life that i have ever made. i'm not so sure that i can do it. and i know that i need to keep a more positive attitude so i can have a shot of being successful down here. i should not have slept with zach. don't get me wrong. i had such an amazing night with him and it was the first new years eve that i actually enjoyed myself. more than enjoyed. but now i'm in this position that has me all over the place... why must i get attached like this? is it him? or is it the fact that i am looking for someone and he's giving me a little bit of attention? he's a sweet guy and jordan confirmed that but one i'm in another state now (figures) and two who knows if he would even consider any type of long distance arrangement (or even likes me like that). it does seem that way though. up until yesterday he was texting me every day and at first it was sexy stuff and reminiscing about our wonderful evening together but he hoped that i made it down here safely and talked  to me about normal stuff. i  may have sent him a few pictures which i honestly should not have done...very stupid but what can i do now. i have nudies of him too not that guys care all that much if they get passed around. ugh why do i allow these things to happen to me?! :( or better yet...why do i do this to myself? now i have feelings for him. possibly anyways. i developed a crush on him the first time i ever met him. i never really saw him much after that not to mention he had a girlfriend.
i guess i want to know one way or another what is going on through his head when it comes to me. does he just think of me as a fling and getting a little something extra afterwards or does he like me? it's going to be the death of me but i feel like i don't really have anyone that i can talk to about it. jordan would tell me that i'm a fucking idiot which she is not far off. casey doesn't really say much about anything. i called dustan earlier but no answer so i'll have to try again tomorrow and see what he says. i know it's not smart and it would cause more problems than good because long distance doesn't work out so i'd eventually move back home. why i'm even thinking about this is absurd. yeah he might be texting me a little bit and flirting but it probably will fizzle out since i won't be able to actually see or hang out with him. i won't be going home until at least april so that's a few months to forget about me...or move on and find someone new. i do this a lot. i just need to find someone else. that'll help  me. but for now i'll just have to deal with the anxiety and yearning i have for him. or stay drunk. fuuuuuuuuck. i guess if he said no i don't want anything further with you i would be able to move on and forget about it. but i can't bring that kind of thing up right now without sounding like some sort of psycho. which i can be sometimes. i think i'm just trying to figure my life out and find someone to share my life with. i've been single for too long and i'm ready to have a man in my life. things can never be easy for me can they?

am i really here again?

is this really happening to me again? this hold that christopher has on me is insane and pathetic. i was fine. i moved on with my life and forgot about him. then just when i forget about running into him or seeing him ever again...he comes barging back into my life. of course i slept with him. huge mistake. now i can't get him off my mind. all the feelings i buried away and put into a deep dark place all came rushing back. he reminded me why i fell in love with him in the first place. that's the first time i've actually said that. fell in love. that's the only way that i can describe it...and i hate that fact. i barely know him in all honesty. but he's my kryptonite. cheesy but true. fuck. i cannot be falling for him again. i'm moving in a month to georgia. i don't need to be dealing with this shit again. it's already going to be hard enough for me to leave all my friends and family i really don't need to bed adding a boy into the mix. especially THE boy. christopher. the man of my dreams who broke my fucking heart. and I HATE HIM. yet i can't. i want and wish to see him as an asshole to let me move on for good...but i can't. i see him as this sweet, kind, charismatic guy. and i need to start seeing him as at least somewhat of a jerk off. i texted him tonight (stupid, i know) and NO RESPONSE. what. the. fuck. asshole. now i've spent the whole night worrying and stressing out over fucking nothing. are you kidding me?! who does this guy think he is? now every time that my phone goes off my heart stops, hoping it's him. and for what? what good could come with any contact with him? really? nothing. now i don't have the upper hand because i texted him. and i hate saying things like that but sadly it is true. damn. fuck. shit. cock. balls. and after all this hate i still want to see him. and kiss him. and i need to move away from those feelings. they are nothing but trouble and i need to move on from my life here and start fresh in georgia. i guess i have to just wait and see what happens. continue  to pack up my shit and go on about my life. so what that he didn't text back. who is he? you are a gorgeous young smart girl who deserves an amazing man who will never confuse you on how he feels about you. the man you are going to marry. the father to your children. he's out there. and he'll make you laugh at all these mistakes in your 20s and realize why it's not working out with anyone right now. patience. not my strong suit. this is more optimistic than i meant but it's all true. and has made me feel better for the night which i needed.
xoxo

expectation for change

so i've had this blog for over a year now and i have had this notion that i need to change my life. i have the motivation to change things for about 30 seconds then i go back to the same depressing bullshit i call my fun and fabulous single life. i smoke weed every day and i drink way more often than i should. i don't do activities that enrich and add to my life but rather ones that keep me down. by sleeping around i am really not helping my self esteem issues. it actually makes them way worse that is causing problems for my lack of love life. i need to work on myself and self worth before i can date and meet someone and not have things blow up in my pretty little face. i need to learn to have them chase me. i get way too excited at first then i scare them away. but at the same time they are stupid and confusing in their own messed up little way. i honestly have to stop thinking that it's me and that i don't deserve anything. because i do. it will come when i least expect it. it will make me understand why it never worked out with anyone else. but enough about guys. that is not going to be my defining thing. i need to stop obsessing and feeling like i'm less of a person because i don't have a man in my life. yes it would be nice and i do miss it but there are so many other things in my life that i would like to accomplish and change. time to sit back, relax and pursue my own dreams before i even think about giving myself to someone in any type of commitment.

now i say things like this from time to time and nothing ever changes. i keep smoking i keep drinking i keep hooking up. it's all keeping me down. but what can i do? change lifestyles. i need to grow up. i have the summer to have my fun but i'm going to be 24 years old. time to start moving forward with my life.

what i want and deserve

i just want a man that i can show up with chicken wings and beer, lay around and watch tv with. he'll laugh at me when i get wing sauce all over my face then kiss me and smile. not to be too specific... but things are just not that easy. but perhaps it's how i start things aka sleeping with a guy too soon. my low self esteem and love for attention is to blame. i'm a people pleaser. and a slut. wow that wasn't a fun realization. not that it's all  that new. it's fine now but i'm getting towards the tale end of things. i'm going to be 24 years old in the fall. a couple years out of college. i need to grow up a little bit. after hangiing out with brian and his friends down in georgia i realized two things...one i think i want to move down south sometime in the near future and two they are all kinda grown up with big kid jobs. not that i want to grow up all that much but it's time to start moving forward. not because society tells me that i need to but because i'm not 100% happy. in order for things to change i can't keep doing the same thing. meeting guys at bars? they are all pieces of shit. or douche bags. which come on now. you're meeting them when you are hammered. let's use some brain cells. but things are never going to change if i don't change first. i can't even tell you how many times i've said this. i had a wee bit of hope when i met floyd and we hit it off but then all of sudden without warning he just stopped showing interest. stef said he's very weird and that's just kind of how he is but when you like someone in my opinion you want to see them when you can and get to know him. i talked to him the other night very very briefly about hanging out this week. he responded so that's good i guess and said he works but maybe we could figure something out? so i guess i'll wait and see what he does. i put the ball in his court so up to him now. last try. if i don't hear from him after this no more. i can't be a pathetic girl anymore. i am young and beautiful and it's really not hard for me to attract men...i just need to start attracting the right ones and letting the pigs and losers keep walking. first off i need to stop getting so drunk. and spending all that money. i need need need to get out of this debt that i'm in. it's close to $6000...that is sooooo sooooo bad. things aren't going to change on their own. i need to start changing them myself. working out. eating healthy. reading more. watching less tv. and most importantly be happy with who i am. i am an awesome intelligent young woman. i need to own it.

oh boy...

Above all else, guard your heart, for everything you do flows from it.
-Proverbs 4:23

As I am sitting in my bed, on this extremely gloomy day sipping on my coffee that went cold quicker than I would like, I actually feel better than I have in about a week. The anxiety is still there but it is not nearly as bad as it was yesterday and the day before.
The good news is that I have finally met someone who has my attention besides Christopher...finally! The bad new is he is confusing as all hell. His name is Floyd and he's a close friend of Stef's. We'll get to that situation later. We met awhile back but two weeks ago, from today actually, we really hit it off while waiting for the girls to finish up getting ready. I usually don't go over there before we go out since they take way too long to get ready but I needed to get out of my house because I was actually supposed to meet this other guy I used to work with, Tyler, out for a drink. The way he went about us meeting up or hanging out was weird and drove me insane. That's old news though. He is out of the picture. Anyways, about 15 minutes after I arrived at Britt's house Floyd and Stef had just gotten back from dinner. Usually as the girls would get ready I would hang out in Stef's room and chit chat with them while they got ready. I felt bad for Floyd though just hanging out with all these girls so him and I just sat in the kitchen then the living room for almost three hours while they all dicked around. Colleen showed up with no make up on in sweats and a tshirt. I was like you have to be kidding me. Normally I would have gone insane but I was really enjoying the conversations that him and I were having. And it didn't stop there. Once we sat down at Gardellas, it was like him and I then over there were the girls and I was A-OK with that. I turned my phone off and gave Floyd my full attention and he ended up getting my number and asking me out on a date. Needless to say, I was ecstatic. It's been so long since a guy has asked me out on a date. We hung out the next night and the next night. I was spoiled right off the bat. When we went out on Saturday, however, I was super drunk and I blacked out. I felt like an idiot and all day Sunday I was freaking out but ended up talking to him later on. Monday I went over to his house to watch the Michigan game and they lost and he was a total freak about it. I mean I get into sports but my god. That was weird. Now it's been a week and three days since I've seen him. We moved so quickly right away that now that I haven't seen him it's freaking me out and I've had the worst anxiety since. Then on Tuesday, after I had Rachael pick up my close behind the bar and rushed home after work and changed he finally texted me back almost an hour after I got out of work that he was at central for his friends and that he was really sorry. I was on fucking fire. I texted him earlier in the day letting him know when I'd be out of work and he couldn't have the common decency to respond and let me know what he was doing? Like are you kidding me? It was extremely rude. So he gets this one. But I'm most definitely going to take a step back. I got way too invested too quickly and maybe just need to go with the flow and see what he does. If I hear from him great! If not, then fuck him haha jk but really. It wasn't meant to be then. I will be seriously bummed out but I have to experience the pain and heartache to appreciate the good and exciting stuff that is sure to come my way :) it'll happen for me at some point.  I just need to be patient...something I am not good at! Ugh lol well the pluses are that he always responds to me and did make the plans with me...he just didn't keep them. Stef told me that if he doesn't want to talk to a girl, he won't so that's good. I even asked if it would be different since I'm friends with her and she said no. So that's good? I just don't want to make excuses for him. I need to be with someone who knows what they have when they have me. I mean I like him a lot and I really want to text him but I know it would be best if I didn't. We shall see what he does over the weekend. If I don't hear from him this weekend I'm going to delete his number and write him off. I can't be pathetic and chase after someone. I deserve to be chased.

delusional...?

sometimes i really think that i'm delusional. why do i constantly think about christopher? well maybe no constantly but most definitely on a day to day basis. it was kind of getting better and on it's way out of being constantly on my mind but then he had to go and "like" my picture...oh my how dare he (as i roll my eyes at myself knowing how dumb this sounds). now he's on my radar again. he's never commented or liked anything of mine. ever. and it was a picture of my sister and i. does it mean something? probably not but i will still obsess over it as if it has some subliminal message that i need to figure out because i'm just that crazy. two weeks or so prior, i wrote on his wall and wished him a happy birthday and that actually helped me move on a little bit. is he thinking of me? do i cross his mind at all? AHHHHHHHHHHHHHH. i'm insane. i honestly don't think i will be moving on in any real way until i see him again. i'm going to run into him somewhere in grand rapids when he gets back. when it will be...no clue. how will i act? will i hold my ground and know i deserve better than the way he treated me. or left me. feeling worthless and stupid. or will i fall for him all over again and forget the past? perhaps a combination of both. i just have this strong feeling that our story is not yet over. hence why i'm either delusional or feeling something i've never felt for someone and knowing there has to be more...it's just half time. everyone is sent into your life for a reason. to help you grow, learn life lessons, get hurt so you know better in the future. i'm supposed to do so much growing in my 20s so i will never regret anything that i've done. i make loads of mistakes but i know i'm growing into an amazing person that will have the life knowledge that i need. so what is going to be the point of christopher in my life? do i have a good intuition or am i a delusional girl who's been obsessing secretly over? never in my life have i felt this way about someone. ever. was it because he was leaving? or was it really him? i mean we had a lot in common, he made me laugh, and he was a sweet guy...for the most part. exception was the night he got black out hammered and was kind of a dick to me. did i just look over that night and not see the signs? he was so sweet at the beginning of the night then trying to pick up another girl right in front of me. idk. i just can't get that smile out of my mind. he's cute but his smile just makes my knees week. ahhhh why?! i guess only tiime will tell...i'll either meet someone or have closure once he's back.

time for change.

I always bitch about men being assholes. And about a year and a half ago I realized, oh so harshly, that perhaps I haven't met a gentleman because I haven't been a lady. When you act like the girls in rap videos those are the pigs you will attract. As I sip my coffee and text on my phone I wonder what my deal is. All the complaining and bitching isn't necessary. I have all the tools to change my life and head in a more positive direction but I keep going back to the same old bad habits-sleeping with inappropriate men, smoking weed all day long, and living off take out in my bedroom. Why am I not out?! Not even necessarily at the bar but the gym, a coffee shop...somewhere other than on my ass sulking about my life. I am so fortunate with everything I have at my disposal. I have the worlds most amazing parents especially my mother. She is my rock. My sister is always there for me even if she is a little too critical of me and doesn't cut me any slack. And my little brother is a turd but has a heart of gold. I forget how lucky I am sometimes. Single women always see everything worse than it is...why is that? Because we don't have a man? How sad. I mean don't get me wrong, men are just fabulous they can just turn life upside down...sometimes in a good way but mostly not until you get to a certain age and they have started to grow up a little. This will never happen fully as I've seen my dad act like my mothers oldest child since I can remember but I wouldn't have that any other way. Now, with all the great things happening in my life right now (finishing up mine and my sisters home which we own) missing Christopher has increased ten fold. I got to a point where I missed him and still thought about him a lot but it was getting better. Then out of no where he liked my picture on Facebook. I know how insane that sounds but that means he was thinking about me, even if only for a moment. It's not like we were friends. Idk I know I sound insane but I can't help but fall back into old habits and question yet again if our story isn't quite over yet? Love story romantic or crazy girl pathetic? Who knows. I'm just nervous for the day that I see him again.

overthinkers anonymous.

not really anonymous but goes with the joke. or whatever you want to call it. i'm going into neurotic, anxious mode. i can't really talk to anyone about it because when i describe it and actually say it out loud it sounds absolutely ridiculous...yet i am obsessing over this. Christopher-the man who I fell head over heels for without knowing him very well, something very out of character for me- "liked" my new profile picture of my sister and i. see, i am crazy. and neurotic. but this is CONSUMING my ever thought and if i don't write about it and get it off my chest i'm going to obsess about it and make my self super sad. oh and valentine's day would be tomorrow. just saying. sucks being alone anyways but thinking about a guy who most likely thinks i'm crazy and has no idea the hard time i've had trying to forget him. i've never had these sorts of feelings for anyone in my entire life...even jose who was the first person that i actually loved. i'm not going to say that i was in love with Christopher but he did sneak into my heart. i don't know him well enough to make that call but i know these feeling for him are strong and the stuff of great romances. i want to move on. i want to meet someone else. i can't. i haven't dated or really even tried to pursue anyone since him. the beginning of july. 7 months and some odd days. i mean i had a crush on tyler at jordan's work but that really didn't last long and i wouldn't date him. i never thought that i would ever feel this way about someone when i didn't even really know him. i mean we hung out a few times...mostly when i was sleeping with his best friend :/ but we clicked and got along so well. what the hell went wrong from the night of his going away party to the morning when i had to leave. we were kissing and flirting in the short moments we had at the end of the night then in the morning he turned his cheek to me when i tried to kiss him. did pat sharrard say something to him? did his mom not like me? (not possible, i was a peach). was he worried about not hurting me in the long run? why why didn't i say anything about it that night!? i can go on and on. why did he reassure me that he'd be back when i got sad? he knew how i felt!! be a man and say you don't feel that way. don't invite me to your damn family going away party, witness me stay there all day when i knew practically nobody and couldn't hang out with you much because of all the people there to see you!! ugh i'm so sad. and bummed. and curioius. he left without saying anything. i understand he was in an impossible situation but then coming to grand rapids...not telling me...then going out to dinner with the crazy ex girlfriend who thought he was "mean." i think deep down i knew. he was texting her all day at that party. justin cranick was talking about him and her. he has no idea what he missed out on. i may  have moved on already if it weren't for me knowing that he will be back in the grand rapids area and i most likely will see him again seeing as he and david rieves are talking about getting a house together when they get back. david is a weirdo but he's still my friend and i'd be a total asshole if i didn't hang out with him when he got back. then i have DELUSIONAL thoughts of maybe our love story isn't over blah blah blah. even if he wanted to date, have sex what have you i know it would be a bad idea. but then i say hey maybe it wouldn't be just make him prove it to you. but that's the kind of thinking that's just going to upset me when he does come back. i'm stronger than that...and i deserve better. but then my crazy girl brain says "well maybe he ignored you to make it easier for me to deal with him being gone." absolute craziness. this is just a tiny bit of what has been going through my mind for roughly the past 2.5 hours. i have lost my mind. and it just proves that girls like when guys treat them like shit...it just makes us want you assholes even more -_-

my "new year new me" cliche.

well it's a new year...2013. This is the year that my baby brother is graduating. I remember thinking that it was a long time before I graduated. Now I'm graduated from COLLEGE and my brother is graduating from high school. Super weird. Anyways that's not what this blog is about. I've set a series of goals for myself for the year instead of a specific new years resolution that will ultimately fail. The main goal is health. I need to steer myself down a healthier pathway than I've been traveling down recently. I need to quit smoking. I've been doing OK. Today's count is zero where it should remain. I had one yesterday, two the day before that, and about 5 the day before that. Not too shabby but I need to quit before I have more trouble than I'm having now. Once I quit smoking weed, I think that will be a little easier because when I'm stoned I crave a cigarette which is why I had one last night. I'm trying to use up the rest of the eighter I bought last week and then no mas. From time to time probably but I need to clean out my system so I can start applying for jobs and not have to sift through the ones that require a drug test. I'm going to still go out, but def. cutting back. I need to save money for one and secondly, it's no secret that you make poor decisions whilst drinking. I want to meet a nice guy. Not a drunken fool that my beer goggles tells me is sexy. Combining all that with eating better and less and working out, I'm hoping to drop 20-25lbs by summertime. It's possible but I really need to commit myself to this and be serious. I'm so lazy and enough is enough. I don't like that I lay in bed all day, smoke weed, order take out, and watch tv for hours on end. It's pretty sickening. TIME FOR CHANGE. Now that I have my own computer I can start putting more effort towards writing and possibly finding a career doing something that I love to do. The next few weeks are going to be key in my success and I look forward to tracking my progress (and hopefully not my regress!)

The "C" word.

So loosely has this term been used in recent years. I'm one of the very few (in my opinion) people who seriously oppose the usage of this word. There have been a select few woman I've encountered that deserve to be called this and yet so many, particularly men, use this word like it's no big deal. Tonight for example I took off and went home because a guy that I was out with would not acknowledge that the word not only offended me but bothered me severely. That's when another guy yelled the word without even knowing what was going on. Side note: I was not the only girl within ear shot of what was going on.
I chose to take off and go which to the group most likely seemed over dramatic but to me was talking a stand Seriously? I said I was offended and I seriously didn't appreciate the use of the word and it didn't matter. Ok, that's fine but I'm not going to stick around and listen to that kind of language. I reacted and hit the guy who then continued to threaten me saying don't ever do that again blah blah blah in "macho man" kind of way. Ha ha ha. Dude you don't scare me. Not to make it sound like "oh yeah I'm a badass" kind of attitude but I'm sorry...he wasn't going to hit me in any way shape or form especially in front of all those people.
I guess my point of this particular entry is to raise some sort of awareness to the blind usage of the word. It is an extremely derogatory term towards woman and its disgusting when people use it , especially women. Shame on you. Times present itself when that certain girl comes around but those are honestly few and far between. Opened my eyes tonight though, definitely made me realize that I'm ready to start growing up and not hanging out with such immature individuals. One of the guys that used the word was my crush...key word WAS. I can't even allow the attraction to happen. It was so loosely used and like it was no big deal. Call me over dramatic and making something a problem but I have yet to stick up for my morals and beliefs on a consistent basis and that's not right. Time to continue this path of strength I've been on.
"Do not go where the path may lead. Go instead where there is no path and leave a trail."
-Ralph Waldo Emerson

still pissed.

Why do guys have to be such jerks? Or are girls, myself in particular, just that stupid? I'm going to say it's both. Yes, I'm an idiot for falling for a guy and letting him in so far before actually getting to know this person. BUT in my defense, he knew how I felt and I definitely showed it by going above and beyond for him. He hurt me so badly and I'm recovering from it but it's because I know that I have no choice. He's going overseas. Besides that, he's an asshole. It is yet again another instance where guys do what they have to do to get a girl to sleep with them, etc. I cannot help but discredit my intuition a little bit. I had such a strong feeling and felt so differently than I ever have before in my life. I thought that there was something to come of him and I. He brought such a smile to my face and I trusted him with no hesitation, something I have not really been able to do for the past four years. I felt such a connection with him and we had so much in common. What does the prick do? Ignores me and continues whatever you want to call it with his ex girlfriend...there is a reason she is your ex right? Go ahead and go back to what is familiar and miss out on something new and exciting. Something you will never know what it could have been because it was never given the chance and that is ok. I'm not going to pine over some average Joe when he doesn't want anything to do with me. I'm better than that and I deserve much better than that.

bummer.

i can't sleep so what else would i do except write about what is bothering me. why can't anything ever be easy? why can it not work out in my favor? seriously. of course the boy i'm interested in and just had the best sex  i've had in a long time has to be leaving for afghanistan soon. very soon actually. i thought he had a few months but it turns out that he actually has only a few weeks unless his going away party is way before he's actually leaving which i highly doubt. i'm really bummed out which really blows because i'm starting to actually like this guy but nothing can happen in that short of a period of time. even if it could, it would be insane to start up something with a man who will not be around for awhile. i had so much fun and he's a really awesome guy (or so he seems). for some reason he has this "trance" on me...couldn't think of something better...and i'm infatuated. he was such a darling to me but was it real? is that just how he treats girls? does he just randomly hook up and sweep girls off their feet? so many questions! it just sucks so bad because now i really know that it can't be :'( i'm willing to sacrifice time apart for someone i've gotten to know but someone that i've only hung out with a few times it's really hard to even aim for that. i want to be bluntly honest with him since he's leaving but i would hate to put that kind of pressure on him before he leaves for stress 24/7 in the middle east. that wouldn't be far to him to make him feel bad. i just have no idea what he thinks about me and if i'm even a blip on his radar. i could be over analyzing the shit out of the situation. i just want to kiss him one more time. i want him to hold me one more time. he made me feel better than i have from a man in a long long time. i thought that about others but he's different. i can't help but smile when his name comes to mind. i have to actual urge to shed tears thinking about this whole fucked up situation. i hope that he isn't going to be there for long but the thinking part of me knows better. it's going to be for some time and all i want to do it see him one last time before he leaves. i guess now i know what i'm getting into but at the same time, i know better. i know that i need to just nip this in the bud and cut my losses. i know there are plenty of fish in the sea but it's hard when you have your eye on one fish that has a special touch. i told him that i wanted to hang out and he said for sure so i guess we'll see how serious that my knight in shining armor was about that or if he's just being a typical guy and going to avoid me or w/e. ugh. sucks so bad :(

the little crush that could.

so funny story. the best friend of one of my hook ups may just be the new interest in my life. whoops. i started to crunch on him when he carried my drunk ass three quarters of a mile. but never thought i would really see him again because of the huge ass i made of myself that night. like really? why would you want to talk to me after that. i wouldn't if the roles were reversed lol but we ended up in bed together and it was one of the best nights i've had in a really long time. he was a super sweet guy to me all night. he held me really close and normally i'm weird about that but for some reason it made me so happy and he also rubbed my back. he is not my typical guy but yet again i don't even know who is anymore. he was covered in hair everywhere but his head but i don't care. his chest hairs actually turned me on. it was weird hooking up with him in his friends room in his friends bed (don't want to use names) haha whatever. i am worried about that however. is it weird that i was hooking up with one but now want something with the other? and actually like him better. then the questions start pouring out. is he just being nice? or does he actually want to hang out with me? is he really going to get a hold of me when he gets back into town? i mean honestly i wouldn't blame him if he didn't. i fucked his best friend, i had to be rescued when i was a hot fucking mess, and the other night i was trying to eat mac n cheese while balancing my water on my knee...are you fucking with me? lol like seriously who does that? of course it fell and broke everywhere...and the sweetheart that he is cleaned in up and was like no sit back down you're going to hurt yourself. this is the same friend who proposed to me when we were all out drinking one night but of course i was obsessed the other guy. but i never realized that every time i was with the first one i always hit it off with the other guy and chit chatted for most of the night. oh my god. he's only seen my fucked up for the most part. oh my gosh that is so embarrassing. haha i guess call me maybe? now i won't be so disappointed if i don't hear from him because honestly i probably seem like a crazy.

letting go...

...is a lot harder when the shoe is on the other foot. I have no trouble giving advice, telling my sister to ditch her loser boyfriend of almost two years or telling my roommate that the mr. wonderful she's seeing is mr. wandering eye not to mention a total piece of shit. Then there is me. I've "dated" here and there since my ex boyfriend and I broke up two years ago. There has been one guy in particular, we'll call him Joe, who has been a presence in my life for some time. We met when I was still in a relationship with another guy. Then we broke up and I always knew Joe had a thing for me and I maybe did maybe didn't have a crush on him but I was so into my newly single ways I could not even imagine dating anyone. Then I moved toward a possible something but he started dating someone else which made me kind of jealous. Too little too late. I look back sometimes and think what if...but then I remember that I wanted to be single for a reason. I needed to become my own person and not be dependent on someone else for my happiness and honestly I'm glad that I did. Whatever is meant to be will be. I do, however, feel like one of those pathetic girls who make up excuses because of a guy. If any one of my friends came to me with this problem I would tell them that they are crazy and need to get over this guy. I want to I really do but I just can't. I keep holding onto the possibility that something someday will happen for us. He is supposedly breaking up with his girlfriend but I've yet to see it happen. Something does have to happen soon though since their lease is up. It will be interesting to see how this all plays out. Our mutual friends whom I met Joe through, Molly and Mark, have a bet going. Molly, a girl I met three years ago in Geology, thinks that he will go through with it but her boyfriend Mark does not. Ugh, I hate this. I am not this needy, pathetic girl who just pines over a guy. I deserve a MAN who will have me as his first choice. Not date someone he doesn't even like because he's too afraid to break up with her. I tell myself that things would be different with him and I. He likes me more than that. Blah. Blah. Blah. But would they really be? I like to think that and part of me believes that which I don't know if it's hopeful or delusional or maybe something in between. Even if they do break up, is he going to want to be with me anyways? I'm not going to jump right into anything until I know that he is not going to act like he does with his current girlfriend. My biggest mistake with this whole Joe situation is categorizing him as my perfect on paper guy. He's Catholic which is a big deal to me in and of itself not to mention he's a Republican, loves football and the Lions, tall, light hair, blue eyes. He rides dirt bikes and has the appearance of a man. I feel like my dad would get along so well with him. But good on paper...does it work out? I wish we weren't so compatible sometimes because the few times that I do see him around, we laugh and get along so well. Maybe I'm obsessing too because I haven't had a serious guy in my life for awhile. I've gone out with but all those end up being are sexual relationships. I want more and I feel like I could be happy with him. I need to get out of my head about it and let life fall into place. What is meant to be will be. If it doesn't work out with the two of us then that's ok. I have to be optimistic...the other way is just so depressing. Not to mention I'm trying to get rid of the bad energy and attitudes in my life so I can focus on living a happier one.

STRESS.

i hate it. stress is the devil in my life. and the thing that really sucks is that i can't handle it...ever. those people who are good in stressful situations and can handle it...i envy them. i instantly want to cry and crawl into a dark hole aka my room. especially when it is something that i didn't do wrong. the state of michigan and i do not have a great relationship right now. i had to resend in my tax check because they are so retarded and couldn't take care of it the first time i sent it in. i will admit it is my fault that i didn't stop payment on the original one but it slipped my mind. one would think that THE STATE OF MICHIGAN would be able to see that i already paid my fucking taxes and not cash the check i sent in months ago...i even included a note like i was told to do in the envelope containing my second payment. i want to fucking blow a gasket right now and there is nothing i can really do to calm myself down except write. i've been on hold for almost 20 minutes. obviously this is going to get taken care of and they are not going to keep my money but i'm trying to buy a house and overdrafting by almost $700 is NOT a sign of responsibility. it's fucked up and all i want to do is yell at someone which i'm sure i will but it's not that person's fault so i'll feel bad afterwards. and i have to work in two hours. i need to get in the shower and get ready but i need to get this taken care of first before i have anymore overdraft fees. then i'm going to have to fucking call the bank and wait AGAIN on the phone which is my least favorite thing to do...probably due to my impatience. i want to barf right now. and i'm losing my fucking mind. i never swear this much in a post but this is the only way for me to truly show how angry i am right now. you would think they would have their act together. oh wait, it's the fucking government and they are greedy shit heads that live to fuck my day up. work is going to be hell because now i'm in a shitty ass mood and i'm going to be rushed getting ready therefore feeling rushed all evening. i want to scream.

homeownership.

Since now is the time to buy a house, or so everyone and there brother talks about, my sister and I are looking into becoming apart of the world of homeowners. It freaks me out because I'm really not sure how permanent my residence is going to be here in Grand Rapids. There are so many things that go into buying a house, and I've just gotten rid of the stress of school and picking up a new one. I'm really freaking out. It could be because I'm hormonal right now but this is all making my head spin. I think part of it is because of all the help that I'm going to have to receive from my mother. I'm very lucky that I have parents who are so willing to do whatever they can to help me out in any way possible...at the same time, I feel bad asking for help and borrowing that much money. I almost want to put it off for around six months, have some time to be able to get my finances in order then save some money for a down payment and perhaps new things for the house. It's very exciting because it would be something that is ours but this would be a huge responsibility. The monthly mortgage would be around $700 a month which is doable with my sis and I but more than we are used to spending because we are now going to have to worry about taxes and bills...more scary stuff! Plus, I'm so used to the amazing house that I grew up in, my mother's dream house basically and nothing else really compares to that...in our price range anyways. I want so many things but with how young I am and not being in my career quite yet, a dream house is not possible. I am balls deep in credit card debt and it's going to be a hot minute before I am able to pick myself out of it. Dammit! As I've discussed my debt issues with others I feel better. I was talking with a co worker and she laughed when I said that I was embarrassed...she was like really? Like that's the worse thing that you could have right now and let me tell you we've all been there! I guess only the future will tell.

starting anew?

So, now that I am officially done with school, it is like a shift has occurred in my life. I no longer feel like laying in bed all day long and only getting out when I absolutely had to. I have quit smoking cigarettes...going on six days and I don't even have to urge to have one. I haven't bought a bag of pot in over two weeks which has not happened since I tried quitting earlier this year. My alcohol consumption is still as it always is but baby steps. Can't cut all my bad habits out all at once or I probably wouldn't have anything to write about...anything interesting anyway. I am however replacing bad habits with good ones starting tomorrow and I couldn't be more excited about it. Or motivated for that matter. It is so crazy because this is the first time that I've felt that I can do it and succeed. I want to lose 15lbs. As previously mentioned, I never wanted to get out of bed therefore the munchies I had with a combination of the comfort food had no where to go but my ass. And there it set up camp...along with its BFF cellulite. Gross. Now, I'm 5'2 and 135lbs. My weight has been fluctuating for the past few years but I'm ready to focus on maintaining this healthy lifestyle. The only thing that is going to get in the way that I can see right now is my partying because Lord knows I like to party...and I'm good at it.
Anyways enough rambling. My point is that I have just ended this chapter of my life, the past five years, and I'm really not sure what's in store for the future. After graduating from high school I knew I was going onto college. Now that I'm done with college, I have no idea what is going to happen next. I mean obviously I'm going to start a career and hopefully one where I can write but other than that I don't know. Before I knew I was going to Grand Valley and moving to the west side of Michigan. Now? I'm here in Grand Rapids but it's not permanent. So crazy! But for now before I start my professional career, I want to have a little bit of fun. A fun loving free spirited summer romance? I've always wanted to do that. I'm not looking for any of that right now though. I'm way too happy with where my life is headed right now to throw a boy into the mix to throw off my groove.
My week is going to be crazy since I'm working 9 shifts but I hope to be able to keep this diet in check and stick with it. I'm hoping I can drop the weight by the time fourth of july comes around. wish me luck!

assholes.

I'm not sure if it's the recent "moods" that have consumed my life, but I've become increasing more cynical about guys. Let's take my roommate for example (all names have been changed to protect the innocent). Carly has been talking to this guy Nate since September-ish. He is a real piece of...I guess I'll say work for the sake of not stirring up anything in my first blog. He lies. He cheats. He ignores her. She actually walked into his room to him in his boxers and his ex-girlfriend laying on his bed. Now, the story has changed since I originally heard it but I'm pretty sure that I was told she was in her unmentionables too. Seriously? Umm, get out while you still have a chance. Like a smart girl, she let some explicits fly and left. His excuse? Nothing happened, we were just hanging out. I like you. He's not even that cute. I mean, don't get me wrong, he is a fine piece of man, well, I guess before he cut his hair, now he just looks like a typical, slightly overweight frat guy. He's short, too. I'm not one to talk about height but let's be honest, tall guys (mostly) are sexier than shorter guys although there are exceptions to every rule. Anyways, they went on hiatus for about a month then he appeared back in her life which I think is in part my fault. I was drunk and lonely after the bar and called Nate's womanizing roommate Brandon. Not nearly my proudest moment but he knew how to work it. What that has to do with Carly is that Nate appeared around for this week and a half infatuation that I was involved in with Brandon. We didn't last (which it was never meant to) but Carly and Nate somewhat have...ick. He is an asshole.
There is also my Hispanic ex-boyfriend Julio. Word of advice: NEVER shit where you eat. I'm dealing with the aftermath and have been since we broke up in 2010. Unfortunately we work together so I can't just avoid and ignore him like I would prefer. A few months after we broke up, I was hanging out with this guy Matt from work. Nothing serious, no dates, just friendly hanging out. We got drunk one night but nothing happened. Well, Julio freaked out on me at work asking what was up and went behind my back and called my best friend Carrie whom he loathes and my sister Janie. Fast forward to this past fall and he's dating someone we work with...who told him that I was being mean to her...are you kidding me? What the f**k ever. So, tonight they were all over each other. I hate working with them. Maybe I'm being a child and it does bother me that it affects me this much, but when it's shoved in my face, I want to punch them in their vaginas. He is an asshole.
Like I said, I'm not sure if it's been my crappy mood recently but I've been so cynical about men. I'm not sure if it's because of the experiences that I have experienced recently or just being a bitchy woman who can't make up her mind about what she wants but I miss being optimistic and believing there are still "Prince Charming's." Did they all already find their Cinderella's?