working title...

So I can get a tad bit cray cray when I like someone. It's gotten more intense as I've gotten older which is weird. I don't know that I've ever been laid back about crushes but I know that things have become more intense as I've grown older. It's probably because feelings get more intense? I am not sure but I know that I really do like Adam. I can't help but think that the intense feelings I've been having are because I've been alone for so long. Do I just want someone?? I'm pretty good about not just dating someone due to convenience. I don't just date to date. If I wanted a boyfriend, I would have a boyfriend. I want something more. Maybe it's all the romantic comedies that I watch but I'm looking for something magical. Not the movie magical. But the real life passion. I tell myself sometimes that I set my standards too high but at the same time I should! I am a great person (with many flaws) but I bring so many things to the table any man would be lucky to have me. That isn't a bad attitude to have. I am not going to just settle because I'm lonely. As for Adam...get off your ass dude! I have been making an effort and I'm not getting a whole lot back. Meet me half way. I don't mind asking him to hang out or do things but jeez! Ask me to do shit too. You know that I like you. You have a win win situation. It takes all of the pressure off asking me out. I will say yes! It's just all going a lot slower than I would like it to go because I'm super super impatient. Matt even said that it was going to take some time which is fine but not this much time. I'm going home for two weeks on Wednesday and I would really love to have some sort of texting relationship with him because I know I'm going to be thinking about about him. But I just don't see it happening which is fine because I'll be busy with seeing everyone that I want to see and enjoying my time off but still. I would really love to see where this shit is going. I don't want to waste my time.
We hung out just the two of us a week and a half ago and it was amazing. I love that we were able to spend time the two of us without having people around and we talked but of course I also want more. He seems like a great person with baggage which at this point who doesn't have baggage. I know that I have a ton of it. But the overall picture is worth it. He needs to not be so shy. I'm shy too but c'mon. Meet me half way at least. Last Friday we got really drunk and he doesn't remember which was good. He smacked my ass at one point which I don't even remember why. He probably doesn't even remember. Then I got feisty when he gave me a beer. But he gave me the beer he took a sip out of which is fine but of course I had to be like hey can I get a new beer? I mean you did just smack my ass lol I don't mind drinking after him but c'mon man. I deserve a new beer. I want to come off as a girl that doesn't take any shit. The great thing about movinrg to a new place where people don't really know me is I had the opportunity to start somewhat fresh. No one fucks with me at work. Or in general. Which people really didn't before but here it's on a different level. They don't know that I'm really a softie. But I can't let them know that lol
Anyways...I just would really like to know whether or not this crush is going to go somewhere so I don't waste my time. We get along very well and he makes me laugh. And at the end of the day that's all that matters. <3

reach for the stars, over the fence

Some times I really wish that I didn't get so crazy over men. I get a crush and it consumes my every thought. I can't sleep. I can't eat. Over what? A freaking crush! There isn't even anything going on with Adam and I yet. Like I can barely talk to him unless we're out at Applebee's. Even then, I don't really interact with him much. Want to change that. I'm not mad that he knows I have a crush on him but it's the way he found out, like we are in middle school. Like Michelle really went about it wrong...and talked to him while she was at work! Matt knows as well. Which he's my friend and I don't really care but I do know that he has a big mouth. I just really don't want this to get all over work. I really don't need people getting all up in my business.
Michelle flat out went up to him at work asking if he liked anyone at work then proceeded to say that someone has a crush on him but she couldn't tell him who. And I guess he was like ok? So she gave him a clue-she has the same name as someone else here which I'm basically the only one who shares a name and who it could be. There are two Tiffany's but they both have BFs and there are two Jessica's  but both of them have BF's as well. So then it leaves the two Taylor's. The other Taylor is 20 and stupid lol so then that leaves me. He figured it out pretty quick especially because I texted him the other day to come and hang out with us. I guess he asked Matt about me :) which is exciting but I really hate the fact that there are middle men and that Matt is now involved. Not that I don't love Matt, he just doesn't have the best track record with keeping his mouth shut. Anyways, it's a good thing because he's "feeling me" which I hate that that is a term that is used because Michelle said the same thing. I'm glad I talked to Matt though because at least I got more of a concrete answer other than he thinks you're cute. I guess I have this irrational fear that people aren't looking out for me and not going to help me out in the best way. Like what if Matt purposely fucks things up for Adam and I because things didn't work out with us. These are the crazy things that go through my head. It's insane really. Ugh! I really do need to just focus on the good and not the stressful. He likes me. That's good for right now. Just sucks that we are in this limbo area.
At the end of the day though I'm really glad he knows so maybe he can put forth some effort too. We shall see. He's "feeling" me and I'm "feeling" (barf) him. I am going home in three weeks though so that's going to put everything on hold. I'm just hoping we get the chance to hang out before that. Which I'm sure we will. But like actually hang out, not like a group after work thing. I would like to start getting to know him a little better. Patience!!

moving on and away...to georgia

this is by far the biggest change in my life that i have ever made. i'm not so sure that i can do it. and i know that i need to keep a more positive attitude so i can have a shot of being successful down here. i should not have slept with zach. don't get me wrong. i had such an amazing night with him and it was the first new years eve that i actually enjoyed myself. more than enjoyed. but now i'm in this position that has me all over the place... why must i get attached like this? is it him? or is it the fact that i am looking for someone and he's giving me a little bit of attention? he's a sweet guy and jordan confirmed that but one i'm in another state now (figures) and two who knows if he would even consider any type of long distance arrangement (or even likes me like that). it does seem that way though. up until yesterday he was texting me every day and at first it was sexy stuff and reminiscing about our wonderful evening together but he hoped that i made it down here safely and talked  to me about normal stuff. i  may have sent him a few pictures which i honestly should not have done...very stupid but what can i do now. i have nudies of him too not that guys care all that much if they get passed around. ugh why do i allow these things to happen to me?! :( or better yet...why do i do this to myself? now i have feelings for him. possibly anyways. i developed a crush on him the first time i ever met him. i never really saw him much after that not to mention he had a girlfriend.
i guess i want to know one way or another what is going on through his head when it comes to me. does he just think of me as a fling and getting a little something extra afterwards or does he like me? it's going to be the death of me but i feel like i don't really have anyone that i can talk to about it. jordan would tell me that i'm a fucking idiot which she is not far off. casey doesn't really say much about anything. i called dustan earlier but no answer so i'll have to try again tomorrow and see what he says. i know it's not smart and it would cause more problems than good because long distance doesn't work out so i'd eventually move back home. why i'm even thinking about this is absurd. yeah he might be texting me a little bit and flirting but it probably will fizzle out since i won't be able to actually see or hang out with him. i won't be going home until at least april so that's a few months to forget about me...or move on and find someone new. i do this a lot. i just need to find someone else. that'll help  me. but for now i'll just have to deal with the anxiety and yearning i have for him. or stay drunk. fuuuuuuuuck. i guess if he said no i don't want anything further with you i would be able to move on and forget about it. but i can't bring that kind of thing up right now without sounding like some sort of psycho. which i can be sometimes. i think i'm just trying to figure my life out and find someone to share my life with. i've been single for too long and i'm ready to have a man in my life. things can never be easy for me can they?

am i really here again?

is this really happening to me again? this hold that christopher has on me is insane and pathetic. i was fine. i moved on with my life and forgot about him. then just when i forget about running into him or seeing him ever again...he comes barging back into my life. of course i slept with him. huge mistake. now i can't get him off my mind. all the feelings i buried away and put into a deep dark place all came rushing back. he reminded me why i fell in love with him in the first place. that's the first time i've actually said that. fell in love. that's the only way that i can describe it...and i hate that fact. i barely know him in all honesty. but he's my kryptonite. cheesy but true. fuck. i cannot be falling for him again. i'm moving in a month to georgia. i don't need to be dealing with this shit again. it's already going to be hard enough for me to leave all my friends and family i really don't need to bed adding a boy into the mix. especially THE boy. christopher. the man of my dreams who broke my fucking heart. and I HATE HIM. yet i can't. i want and wish to see him as an asshole to let me move on for good...but i can't. i see him as this sweet, kind, charismatic guy. and i need to start seeing him as at least somewhat of a jerk off. i texted him tonight (stupid, i know) and NO RESPONSE. what. the. fuck. asshole. now i've spent the whole night worrying and stressing out over fucking nothing. are you kidding me?! who does this guy think he is? now every time that my phone goes off my heart stops, hoping it's him. and for what? what good could come with any contact with him? really? nothing. now i don't have the upper hand because i texted him. and i hate saying things like that but sadly it is true. damn. fuck. shit. cock. balls. and after all this hate i still want to see him. and kiss him. and i need to move away from those feelings. they are nothing but trouble and i need to move on from my life here and start fresh in georgia. i guess i have to just wait and see what happens. continue  to pack up my shit and go on about my life. so what that he didn't text back. who is he? you are a gorgeous young smart girl who deserves an amazing man who will never confuse you on how he feels about you. the man you are going to marry. the father to your children. he's out there. and he'll make you laugh at all these mistakes in your 20s and realize why it's not working out with anyone right now. patience. not my strong suit. this is more optimistic than i meant but it's all true. and has made me feel better for the night which i needed.
xoxo

expectation for change

so i've had this blog for over a year now and i have had this notion that i need to change my life. i have the motivation to change things for about 30 seconds then i go back to the same depressing bullshit i call my fun and fabulous single life. i smoke weed every day and i drink way more often than i should. i don't do activities that enrich and add to my life but rather ones that keep me down. by sleeping around i am really not helping my self esteem issues. it actually makes them way worse that is causing problems for my lack of love life. i need to work on myself and self worth before i can date and meet someone and not have things blow up in my pretty little face. i need to learn to have them chase me. i get way too excited at first then i scare them away. but at the same time they are stupid and confusing in their own messed up little way. i honestly have to stop thinking that it's me and that i don't deserve anything. because i do. it will come when i least expect it. it will make me understand why it never worked out with anyone else. but enough about guys. that is not going to be my defining thing. i need to stop obsessing and feeling like i'm less of a person because i don't have a man in my life. yes it would be nice and i do miss it but there are so many other things in my life that i would like to accomplish and change. time to sit back, relax and pursue my own dreams before i even think about giving myself to someone in any type of commitment.

now i say things like this from time to time and nothing ever changes. i keep smoking i keep drinking i keep hooking up. it's all keeping me down. but what can i do? change lifestyles. i need to grow up. i have the summer to have my fun but i'm going to be 24 years old. time to start moving forward with my life.

what i want and deserve

i just want a man that i can show up with chicken wings and beer, lay around and watch tv with. he'll laugh at me when i get wing sauce all over my face then kiss me and smile. not to be too specific... but things are just not that easy. but perhaps it's how i start things aka sleeping with a guy too soon. my low self esteem and love for attention is to blame. i'm a people pleaser. and a slut. wow that wasn't a fun realization. not that it's all  that new. it's fine now but i'm getting towards the tale end of things. i'm going to be 24 years old in the fall. a couple years out of college. i need to grow up a little bit. after hangiing out with brian and his friends down in georgia i realized two things...one i think i want to move down south sometime in the near future and two they are all kinda grown up with big kid jobs. not that i want to grow up all that much but it's time to start moving forward. not because society tells me that i need to but because i'm not 100% happy. in order for things to change i can't keep doing the same thing. meeting guys at bars? they are all pieces of shit. or douche bags. which come on now. you're meeting them when you are hammered. let's use some brain cells. but things are never going to change if i don't change first. i can't even tell you how many times i've said this. i had a wee bit of hope when i met floyd and we hit it off but then all of sudden without warning he just stopped showing interest. stef said he's very weird and that's just kind of how he is but when you like someone in my opinion you want to see them when you can and get to know him. i talked to him the other night very very briefly about hanging out this week. he responded so that's good i guess and said he works but maybe we could figure something out? so i guess i'll wait and see what he does. i put the ball in his court so up to him now. last try. if i don't hear from him after this no more. i can't be a pathetic girl anymore. i am young and beautiful and it's really not hard for me to attract men...i just need to start attracting the right ones and letting the pigs and losers keep walking. first off i need to stop getting so drunk. and spending all that money. i need need need to get out of this debt that i'm in. it's close to $6000...that is sooooo sooooo bad. things aren't going to change on their own. i need to start changing them myself. working out. eating healthy. reading more. watching less tv. and most importantly be happy with who i am. i am an awesome intelligent young woman. i need to own it.

oh boy...

Above all else, guard your heart, for everything you do flows from it.
-Proverbs 4:23

As I am sitting in my bed, on this extremely gloomy day sipping on my coffee that went cold quicker than I would like, I actually feel better than I have in about a week. The anxiety is still there but it is not nearly as bad as it was yesterday and the day before.
The good news is that I have finally met someone who has my attention besides Christopher...finally! The bad new is he is confusing as all hell. His name is Floyd and he's a close friend of Stef's. We'll get to that situation later. We met awhile back but two weeks ago, from today actually, we really hit it off while waiting for the girls to finish up getting ready. I usually don't go over there before we go out since they take way too long to get ready but I needed to get out of my house because I was actually supposed to meet this other guy I used to work with, Tyler, out for a drink. The way he went about us meeting up or hanging out was weird and drove me insane. That's old news though. He is out of the picture. Anyways, about 15 minutes after I arrived at Britt's house Floyd and Stef had just gotten back from dinner. Usually as the girls would get ready I would hang out in Stef's room and chit chat with them while they got ready. I felt bad for Floyd though just hanging out with all these girls so him and I just sat in the kitchen then the living room for almost three hours while they all dicked around. Colleen showed up with no make up on in sweats and a tshirt. I was like you have to be kidding me. Normally I would have gone insane but I was really enjoying the conversations that him and I were having. And it didn't stop there. Once we sat down at Gardellas, it was like him and I then over there were the girls and I was A-OK with that. I turned my phone off and gave Floyd my full attention and he ended up getting my number and asking me out on a date. Needless to say, I was ecstatic. It's been so long since a guy has asked me out on a date. We hung out the next night and the next night. I was spoiled right off the bat. When we went out on Saturday, however, I was super drunk and I blacked out. I felt like an idiot and all day Sunday I was freaking out but ended up talking to him later on. Monday I went over to his house to watch the Michigan game and they lost and he was a total freak about it. I mean I get into sports but my god. That was weird. Now it's been a week and three days since I've seen him. We moved so quickly right away that now that I haven't seen him it's freaking me out and I've had the worst anxiety since. Then on Tuesday, after I had Rachael pick up my close behind the bar and rushed home after work and changed he finally texted me back almost an hour after I got out of work that he was at central for his friends and that he was really sorry. I was on fucking fire. I texted him earlier in the day letting him know when I'd be out of work and he couldn't have the common decency to respond and let me know what he was doing? Like are you kidding me? It was extremely rude. So he gets this one. But I'm most definitely going to take a step back. I got way too invested too quickly and maybe just need to go with the flow and see what he does. If I hear from him great! If not, then fuck him haha jk but really. It wasn't meant to be then. I will be seriously bummed out but I have to experience the pain and heartache to appreciate the good and exciting stuff that is sure to come my way :) it'll happen for me at some point.  I just need to be patient...something I am not good at! Ugh lol well the pluses are that he always responds to me and did make the plans with me...he just didn't keep them. Stef told me that if he doesn't want to talk to a girl, he won't so that's good. I even asked if it would be different since I'm friends with her and she said no. So that's good? I just don't want to make excuses for him. I need to be with someone who knows what they have when they have me. I mean I like him a lot and I really want to text him but I know it would be best if I didn't. We shall see what he does over the weekend. If I don't hear from him this weekend I'm going to delete his number and write him off. I can't be pathetic and chase after someone. I deserve to be chased.